We, undoubtedly, make it much harder on each other; with all the judging and advice giving and the dirty looks just because my child started crying in the grocery store because I wouldn't let her have an entire bag of lollipops. It's easiest to judge other parents because it's something we think we understand and for some reason, ridiculing other peoples' choices makes us feel like we know what the hell we're doing {plot twist: we don't}.
There are many debates about what makes someone a good parent. Just as there are social standards for physical appearance, income status and career choice, there are extremely high standards for parenting. How do you discipline your children? What do they eat? Do you vaccinate? How intelligent are they? The questions are long and more daunting than any test I've ever had, mostly because I know there is no right answer but that every answer is actually wrong.
So I'm just going to clarify a few things about parenting. I feel like we need this clarification, that we need to take a stand against these rigid guidelines we've imposed on ourselves and just let it be. Because parenting is hard. Regardless. Of anything else. Parenting is just plain hard.
Your Job Doesn't Matter
There is a large debate about stay-at-home-parents vs. working parents. It's a large and ridiculous debate. Because if these two sects of parents have anything in common, it's that they are parents. Last time I checked, working and earning an income doesn't take away any of your legal parenting rights. It doesn't make you love your children less. Likewise, just because you don't work and choose to (or have to) raise the kids all day doesn't mean you love them any more than other parents.
I have been both a working parent and a stay-at-home-parent and there are a few things that never changed: guilt, how often I worry/wonder about my children, and the love I feel for them. These things don't change, regardless of your job status.
It also doesn't matter where you work. If you think that the soldier serving overseas is more family oriented than the person flipping your burgers, then you need to adjust your social standards. Kids simply don't care about that major project you're working on or the promotion you're trying to get. Kids care that you are there when they need you.
How Often You See Them Doesn't Matter
Do you live with your children? Do you work 10 or 12 hour days? Do these instances make you love them less? Hell no. I've been that parent that only sees their child for 2 hours in the evening, and that time was about eating supper, taking a bath and getting ready for bed. I've also been the parent that is around their child 24 hours. Do I love my children more than I did then? Nope. In fact, now that I am around them so much, I fantasize about vacations away from the kids. {Just for clarification, if you think that last wish makes me less of a parent, then you can just sit there and judge me while I fill up this gigantic glass of wine also. Go ahead, I'll nod and smile while you talk. Because you're an adult, and I'll take adult conversation where I can get it. As long as you don't randomly shout out "I have to go pee!"}
Likewise, not living with your child also doesn't make you less of a parent. To me, there is no such thing as a part-time parent. Shared custody is a legal term, not a definition of a type of parent. Here's a confession: sometimes I wish that I could have a regularly scheduled weekend away from the kids. It would be nice to send them out the door someplace, say once a month, for the weekend. And I am confident sharing this because while I would enjoy sleeping in, showering when I wanted and eating chocolate for breakfast, I would also miss the hell out of them. I would wander around the house, not really sure of what to do. They wouldn't leave my thoughts. It would be constant. Because I'm a parent. It's kind of how our brains work after procreating.
{Note: I understand there is a valid argument against this point. Read on, have patience.}
Your Parenting Style/Decisions Don't Matter
Do you vaccinate? Are you a helicopter parent? Have your kids eaten enough dirt to grow food for a third-world country? Are you home-schooling?
There is far too much focus on "types" of parents, on parenting styles and on the decisions that parents are making every day. Parenting stereotypes are possibly the most lethal of all stereotypes because while they are directed at the parent, they impact the child. It shouldn't matter whether you fiercely hover over your child or let them fall down to learn a few lessons. A parents' natural instinct is to protect their child, and parents now have many options for how they choose to do that.
Elizabeth Stone wrote that having a child is to "forever [to] have your heart go walking around outside your body." And it's true. It's inexplicably, joyfully and painfully true. Yes, I know there are horror stories out there, but this is where I choose to put on my rose colored hippie glasses and think that every parents' actions are out of love. Who am I to categorize that love? And based on what, exactly? Love can't be measured, especially a love so other-worldly as a parent's love for a child.
Bad Apples
This isn't to interpret that having a child automatically makes you an ambassador on love. I don't think that for one second I can walk into the office of a CEO and take over the company and have any smidgen of success. I'm not qualified. I have no experience. Before I had children, I also didn't think I was qualified or had the experience necessary to raise a human being {spoiler alert: there is no qualifications or experience that prepares you for that}. I also don't attempt to climb Mt. Everest. With the proper training, I suppose I could do it. But I'm really more of a sit on the couch and read a book type of person. I have no desire to do it.
Parenting is kind of similar. It is common knowledge that every single person simply must procreate. Isn't that why we fall in love? Why we get married? Why we get jobs and live our lives? So we can share the wealth of our DNA with future generations? From a biological standpoint, yes. From a human standpoint, ugh. Not everyone should be a parent. Confession time: I sometimes think of what my life would be like with no children, or with just one child. It would be much different. Easier? Probably not. Happier? Most likely not, but that's my life choice.
My point is, not every parent is a good parent. {Pause for dramatic gasp!} But didn't I just say...? Yes. Every parent loves their child. That doesn't mean every parent should be a parent. There are a few proverbial bad apples out there that seem to ruin it for the rest of us. Parenting requires a certain level of common sense and a nurturing aspect in tune with the feelings of others. It also requires some trial and error, as in, you never know until you try. For example, I was concerned about the type of father my husband would be. We'd never been around kids and it didn't seem like something he was extremely excited about. Turns out, he's the fun parent. He loves nothing more than rolling around on the floor and playing cars or dinosaurs. He's an amazing father.
What Does Matter
The real kicker of parenting is that you never really know if you're doing a bang-up job or not. Sure, you could wait for your kids to grow up and base your success on theirs, but that insinuates that the parents of inmates are somehow to blame for their child's actions and there fore are horrible people. I don't believe this. So how in the hell are we supposed to know if we're doing this parenting thing right?
Let them know you love them. All the time. Tell them. Show them. Make them feel important. Support them. Let them know.
Make your time count. Whether it's 2 hours a day or 12, make it count. Be there, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Teach them. They learn from us. That's a part of parenting that we can't get away from. They learn from our actions and our words. They learn how to navigate this world and the different people in it by our interactions. You can teach them to be judgmental and hate or you can teach them understanding and kindness. We have a unique opportunity to mold them from birth. This opportunity is precious and should not be wasted. They are always watching. Support them and guide them as they grow.
These are actions that aren't regulated by a job, income or time. These are regulated by you. Regardless of the situation, these are completely within your control, possibly the only things within your control when it comes to the unpredictable nature of life. Use them to your advantage.
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