Mother's Day.
That magical day of the year when mommy gets breakfast in bed, presents, homemade cards, discounts at restaurants, maybe even a day at the spa.
That magical day.
Is still, only a day.
What the hell. I can't be the only mommy feeling slighted here...
Let's take a little trip over memory lane, shall we? First, the pregnancy. The heartburn, the muscle aches, the insomnia, the vomiting and nausea, the kicks to the spine. I loved being pregnant, some days, but mostly I was really just a host for this human parasite that craved (and then quickly rejected) everything. I wasn't a human. I was pregnant.
Then came the labor, the miracle of birth. My bones separated, my muscles tore - yes, flesh TORE apart. And that was after the contractions where my entire body felt like it was on fire. Medieval torture practices have nothing on birthing a baby. And that's if the epidural works as planned.
But wait. We're not out of the woods yet. Because while it took only 10 months for my body to be replaced by that of an unpredictably insane Beluga whale, it took a lot (LOT) longer to return back to normal. The emotional open palm slap to my ego from looking in the mirror was just a start. It took me 26 years to learn to love my body and how to dress it, and now I had to start all over, with stretch marks.
That's just the outward stuff, though. Inside, my body was on Defcon 2 trying to figure out what the hell was happening all the time. I swear, I felt like I was trying to save the Titanic with a minnow bucket. Oh, I have to pee. Like, right now. Like... I better stand up and... ah shit. Now I need new underwear. Yeah. Don't even ask about the pooping. Think a newborn's bodily functions are disgusting? I got that beat in spades, my friend.
Then the grand champion comes strolling in - brain and emotional function. Did you see that UPS commercial? Totally made me ugly cry for hours. We got another piece of junk mail? I can fix that - by taking an axe to the mailbox. No lies. Brain function and emotional control take the word 'irrational' to a whole new part of crazy town.
And for some reason, I went through all of it twice more...
Does all of the above give me the right to expect breakfast in bed? Hell yes it does. However, what if you didn't go through all of this?
What if, every day, you still wipe snotty noses? You still kiss ouchies and read books at night? You still teach right from wrong and give your heart to someone else and let them run away with it?
While my own mother is pretty freakin' awesome, I know a lot of other women in my life that have mommied me as well. I wouldn't be the person I am today without all of their influences. I also know a lot of women who are amazing people - traditional mothers or not - who earn my undying respect.
And they do it more than one day a year.
So, before a super special day is planned, take note. I'm not just a mommy today. I'm a mommy ALL THE TIME. 3pm or 3am, Wednesday or Saturday, December or May, 5 years ago or 20 years from now. I'm a mommy, and I will be for the rest of time. No matter what, my children will always be first and last on my mind. Because once I knew they were there, everything else simply became filler.
That, to me, is worth the kicks to the spine, the contractions, the stretch marks and medication-worthy mood swings. It's all worth it. And I would go through it all again in a heartbeat if it meant I could see those three beautiful faces staring up at me every day.
All I really want is for that to be acknowledged more than once a year.
And for other types of mommies to be acknowledged as well. Believe it or
not, carrying and birthing the baby is the easy part. The rest of it is
where it gets a little dicey. It takes a special woman to step up to
that challenge.
Take time (a lot of time, like mark off the whole day on your calendar), and let all the special women in your life know that you care about them. Mother or not, let them know you're blessed to have them in your life.
And hey, if the spa robe fits, feel free to completely pamper mom for a day. Just make it more than an annual event. Next time you think of her or miss her or remember something funny about her - tell her. Telling a mommy you're thinking of them is powerful, because she thinks of you constantly.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
Why Women Are Going To F* Up the Presidential Election
Ugh, my vagina is already sighing in disgust at the next election.
Normally, it's just my brain that is exhausted and annoyed during this time, but now that there is officially a female candidate, my ovaries and mammary glands feel obligated to become involved.
It must be a female thing. Time for us to band together! All for one and one for all! Never leave a fallen female behind! Because we're all confident, independent women that would never tear each other down based on looks and lifestyles!
{...................}
Alright, for the sake of my gender, I'll go along with this happy little estrogen fest.
But that doesn't mean I'm voting for Hilary.
Here is what I absolutely know about Hilary Clinton's presidential campaign: she's a democrat, former Secretary of State, former Senator from New York, former First Lady of the United States, former First Lady of Arkansas, degree from Yale Law School, served as a lawyer for the Congressional Committee investigating President Nixon. She's also ran for president before.
That's a pretty impressive resume, to me anyway. Oh, and she's a woman. Unfortunately, the fact that she is of the female gender will trump any of her qualifications, campaign endorsements and methods or what values she plans to run on.
I'd like to not think this is true, and based on her 2008 campaign and the abundance of press she is already getting, I have a ray of hope that it could be a reality.
And then I read articles titled "Yes, I'm voting for Hilary because she's a woman." And I lose all faith in my fellow confident, intelligent and independent women.
Because it won't be politics or news and media or even Hilary herself that fucks up this extremely important presidential campaign. It will be women. Us.
Because we'll put all of that intelligence, confidence, independence and power aside and vote for someone simply because she's got a pair of tits. And that, my fellow estrogen-laden pals, will be our downfall.
We're going to take this opportunity to make a statement to the world, to the country and most importantly, to our daughters and all the women who will follow - and we're going to squander it.
And when Hilary gets elected, we're going to hear nothing but female critique for the next 4 to 8 years. It's going to be very hard. A decision about international affairs will cause controversy and I guarantee will be blamed on uncontrollable hormones. We'll hear more jokes about menstruation and menopause and women in the kitchen than we've seen in the last 100 years. And we'll accept it. And we'll laugh. {P.S. When did it become acceptable to make fun of the President of the United States? The leader of the free world can't even get a little respect. But that's for a different article...}
Because despite all of her qualifications and experience, she's a woman, first and foremost, and the greatest country in the world, who prides themselves on "justice for all" {insert snickering here}, won't let her forget it.
I don't know if I'm going to vote for Hilary. If the election were being held tomorrow and it was between her or Ted Cruz or Rand Paul, then yes, I would vote for Hilary. Not because she's a woman. But because from what I've seen and heard from the other two, she's the best candidate.
I would trust Hilary to run the country. She's done it before. She's proven she has a backbone and knows how to handle controversy. And she faced the public humiliation of her husband getting his jollies off with a much younger woman with her shoulders back and her head held high. She didn't let it derail her career and she didn't hang her dirty laundry out in the street. That's my kind of woman. That's my kind of President.
But I'm not willing to toss in my vote yet. Simply put, it's April of 2015. We don't get to vote for another 19 months. 19 MONTHS. There are debates to be had. Campaign forums to organize. Hands to shake and babies to kiss. There are issues to be dealt with and true colors that have yet to bleed. Choosing my vote now would be irresponsible.
So, in a final request, to my dear fellow comrades with ovaries, please think about this. Think about your options. Think by yourself and think for yourself. Think of the consequences, of what you offer for this country, not as a female but as a human.
Marilyn Monroe is quoted "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." This isn't about us staking our claim in the world and throwing feminism into the face of every red-blooded male. This isn't about saying to the world "Hey, look what we did for women!" Because when it comes to female world leaders, we're extremely behind the curve.
This is about furthering our country to be the best it can be. It's about taking the opportunity to progress and make our voices heard. It's about standing up and doing the right thing because we can and because we're in charge. Not as women, but as citizens.
Don't tarnish that.
Normally, it's just my brain that is exhausted and annoyed during this time, but now that there is officially a female candidate, my ovaries and mammary glands feel obligated to become involved.
It must be a female thing. Time for us to band together! All for one and one for all! Never leave a fallen female behind! Because we're all confident, independent women that would never tear each other down based on looks and lifestyles!
{...................}
Alright, for the sake of my gender, I'll go along with this happy little estrogen fest.
But that doesn't mean I'm voting for Hilary.
Here is what I absolutely know about Hilary Clinton's presidential campaign: she's a democrat, former Secretary of State, former Senator from New York, former First Lady of the United States, former First Lady of Arkansas, degree from Yale Law School, served as a lawyer for the Congressional Committee investigating President Nixon. She's also ran for president before.
That's a pretty impressive resume, to me anyway. Oh, and she's a woman. Unfortunately, the fact that she is of the female gender will trump any of her qualifications, campaign endorsements and methods or what values she plans to run on.
I'd like to not think this is true, and based on her 2008 campaign and the abundance of press she is already getting, I have a ray of hope that it could be a reality.
And then I read articles titled "Yes, I'm voting for Hilary because she's a woman." And I lose all faith in my fellow confident, intelligent and independent women.
Because it won't be politics or news and media or even Hilary herself that fucks up this extremely important presidential campaign. It will be women. Us.
Because we'll put all of that intelligence, confidence, independence and power aside and vote for someone simply because she's got a pair of tits. And that, my fellow estrogen-laden pals, will be our downfall.
We're going to take this opportunity to make a statement to the world, to the country and most importantly, to our daughters and all the women who will follow - and we're going to squander it.
And when Hilary gets elected, we're going to hear nothing but female critique for the next 4 to 8 years. It's going to be very hard. A decision about international affairs will cause controversy and I guarantee will be blamed on uncontrollable hormones. We'll hear more jokes about menstruation and menopause and women in the kitchen than we've seen in the last 100 years. And we'll accept it. And we'll laugh. {P.S. When did it become acceptable to make fun of the President of the United States? The leader of the free world can't even get a little respect. But that's for a different article...}
Because despite all of her qualifications and experience, she's a woman, first and foremost, and the greatest country in the world, who prides themselves on "justice for all" {insert snickering here}, won't let her forget it.
I don't know if I'm going to vote for Hilary. If the election were being held tomorrow and it was between her or Ted Cruz or Rand Paul, then yes, I would vote for Hilary. Not because she's a woman. But because from what I've seen and heard from the other two, she's the best candidate.
I would trust Hilary to run the country. She's done it before. She's proven she has a backbone and knows how to handle controversy. And she faced the public humiliation of her husband getting his jollies off with a much younger woman with her shoulders back and her head held high. She didn't let it derail her career and she didn't hang her dirty laundry out in the street. That's my kind of woman. That's my kind of President.
But I'm not willing to toss in my vote yet. Simply put, it's April of 2015. We don't get to vote for another 19 months. 19 MONTHS. There are debates to be had. Campaign forums to organize. Hands to shake and babies to kiss. There are issues to be dealt with and true colors that have yet to bleed. Choosing my vote now would be irresponsible.
So, in a final request, to my dear fellow comrades with ovaries, please think about this. Think about your options. Think by yourself and think for yourself. Think of the consequences, of what you offer for this country, not as a female but as a human.
Marilyn Monroe is quoted "Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." This isn't about us staking our claim in the world and throwing feminism into the face of every red-blooded male. This isn't about saying to the world "Hey, look what we did for women!" Because when it comes to female world leaders, we're extremely behind the curve.
This is about furthering our country to be the best it can be. It's about taking the opportunity to progress and make our voices heard. It's about standing up and doing the right thing because we can and because we're in charge. Not as women, but as citizens.
Don't tarnish that.
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