It takes a village to raise a child.
Anyone that has a child knows this. You can't do it alone. However, I was disturbed yesterday at seeing a number of parents - including myself - turn a blind eye to a child.
We were at the library. Story time had just ended so the library was teeming with kids, anywhere from itty bitty infants to 4 year olds racing down the aisles. It reminded me of an ant hill, with giant parents standing around like pillars, monitoring every situation. From that height, we could see everything.
I was watching Jackson and Isabella read books on the rug while holding Catherine. Next to me was a stroller that contained a very adorable little baby, probably no more than 4 months old.
A giddy little boy, obviously carried away with the exuberant atmosphere in the library, grabbed the stroller and started pushing it around. I automatically assumed it was a big brother. I looked for the mother, who was at the other end of the room tending to one of her other children. I looked back at the boy, still pushing the stroller, the baby now awake. Here was my thought process:
"He shouldn't be pushing that. I should stop him. But what if his mother lets him do that all the time at home? What if I yell at him for something he's allowed to do? That's overstepping my boundaries. What would I say to him? What if the mother gets mad at me?"
Whoa. Stop. That last one concerned me.
This scenario has bothered me the rest of the day and night, and rightly so. I've been plagued by if I had done the right thing, and now it's clear that I did not. It occurred to me that I was more concerned with another mother being mad at me than the safety of a helpless infant.
The boy continued to push the stroller around. He bumped into another woman. She turned around, looked, then did nothing. Another mother was watching this as well. I looked at her. She walked away. No one else did anything. The village didn't exist.
Another mother swooped in and grabbed the little boy, simply saying "No no honey, that's not yours," and walked away, leaving the stroller in the middle of the room. The baby was awake and looking around. I grabbed the stroller and put it back near it's spot.
Just then, the mother came walking up, noticing her baby was in a different place than where she'd left it. She looked at me, and for some reason I felt now was the appropriate time to jump in.
"A little boy took her for a stroll," I said casually, even adding in a little uncomfortable laugh.
"Oh, because I wasn't watching her," the mother replied just as awkwardly.
Again, I should have said something along the lines of "It was fine. I leave my baby alone here when she's sleeping too. You were busy. It's okay." Instead I was silent.
Why should I have said that? Because I know what it's like to chase toddlers and care for an infant in a public place. It's exhausting. It makes your blood pressure rise. You become so nervous you can actually feel you're skin start to jump. Instead of calming the mother and let her know that she was fine, that the baby was fine and that she was doing the best she could, I walked away and let her think she wasn't good enough.
What happened to the village? If that had been ten, twenty, thirty years ago, someone would have stopped the little boy. I should have stopped the little boy. We should be looking out for each other's children instead of walking away, or worse, watching and doing nothing.
If it was my baby, I would hope someone would stop it.
This has been a valuable lesson for me. No one did anything, and I was more afraid of the mother and overstepping my bounds than helping out.
From now on, I will be part of a village, even if no one else is. Even if another mother gets mad at me. We can't do it ourselves. We need to stick together.
Let's bring the village back.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
The Dirty on 30
"Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to far too many."
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. I have seen too many people taken from this earth much too soon. I will never regret growing older or any of the adventures that are yet to be discovered along my journey.
However....
Turning 30 sucks.
It's true, and it's called "Dirty 30" for a reason. 30 is a scoundrel, a pick-pocket of your mind and body, a surprise mid-life flashback even for the most content of individuals. Now I know that my 30s will be awesome. I'm a mom and get to raise my kids. I'm done being pregnant so I get to go out and have fun with adults. I'll be returning to the workforce and ready to take control of my path and conquer the world. My thirties will be awesome!
If I can get out of bed, which is my first gripe with turning 30. I fell the other day, slipped on the ice and came crashing down on my hip. I hopped back up like I was a young spring chicken of 24. A few steps later, I slowed to a limp like the 29 1/2 year old that I am. Just from that fall, I strained a muscle in my groin and walked funny for 2 days. I had a bruise and the outside of my thigh was tender for weeks. Definitely not the recovery time I used to have.
I wake up feeling sore. Yes, I need a new bed and a new pillow and I don't take care of my body like I should. But none of this mattered five years ago. Five years ago, if I woke up feeling sore it was because I backpacked into the wilderness or had a few too many beers. Now the heating pad has earned a permanent place by my nightstand, complete with it's own socket that is never unplugged.
That's not the only change my body is experiencing, however. When I was younger, I could eat anything and not gain an ounce. No, I wasn't healthy, but I was active and that was enough. Yeah, not anymore. Since my last child, there's an extra 10 pounds of me sticking around, probably for good. DISCLAIMER: I love my body, and I am fine with this extra 10 pounds. I enjoy my larger hips and rounder rump. What I don't enjoy is the sagging. My skin just looks different. It doesn't look like the skin I had at the tender age of 20 before marriage and kids and adult-hood. Do I wish that things were a little, um, higher than they used to be? Yes, but since I'm not willing to do any type of exercise that could fix this, then I better just shut my mouth and be happy with what I've got.
I've also used the phrase "these kids nowadays" followed by the shaking of my head. I remember the first time I heard noise instead of music coming from the radio. The sound was so instantly irritating that I remember thinking "so that's what my mother was talking about." I don't get the way they dress. I don't get they way they act. I find myself saying things like "I wasn't raised like that" and "when I was a kid..." I look at young 20somethings with a confusing mixture of pity and jealousy. I loved my 20s, but looking back on them now I realize how naive, selfish, ungrateful and just plain clueless I was. I look at young people and wish them the best because I remember all too well the dangerous and confusing road they are traveling, and then I feel grateful for making it out alive. Not just alive, but with a beautiful family and all the comforts that your 30s are supposed to bring you.
I will miss my 20s. I met my husband and together we had three magnificent children. I met some of my best friends and learned a lot from people that didn't become friends. I learned what it means to take responsibility and to have others depend on you completely. I learned that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was and that sometimes you just need to walk away. I've learned that you can't change who you are, but that you can always change your attitude. Yes, the 20s were some of my best years, but to say that they were THE best is selling myself short. I have a long journey ahead of me yet.
Age is, after all, just a number, and you're really only as old as you feel. Sure, my body will continue to age and ache and I'm sure this isn't the first 10 pounds that won't find it's way off my waist. That's okay. I'm happy. I'm healthy. I have a wonderful life that will only get better from here. When people ask if I could go back and change anything, my reply is no. All that's happened, all that I've done (or haven't done), every mistake and accomplishment has brought me to here.
Cheers to you, 30. You might be dirty, but I've never been afraid of a little mud.
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. I have seen too many people taken from this earth much too soon. I will never regret growing older or any of the adventures that are yet to be discovered along my journey.
However....
Turning 30 sucks.
It's true, and it's called "Dirty 30" for a reason. 30 is a scoundrel, a pick-pocket of your mind and body, a surprise mid-life flashback even for the most content of individuals. Now I know that my 30s will be awesome. I'm a mom and get to raise my kids. I'm done being pregnant so I get to go out and have fun with adults. I'll be returning to the workforce and ready to take control of my path and conquer the world. My thirties will be awesome!
If I can get out of bed, which is my first gripe with turning 30. I fell the other day, slipped on the ice and came crashing down on my hip. I hopped back up like I was a young spring chicken of 24. A few steps later, I slowed to a limp like the 29 1/2 year old that I am. Just from that fall, I strained a muscle in my groin and walked funny for 2 days. I had a bruise and the outside of my thigh was tender for weeks. Definitely not the recovery time I used to have.
I wake up feeling sore. Yes, I need a new bed and a new pillow and I don't take care of my body like I should. But none of this mattered five years ago. Five years ago, if I woke up feeling sore it was because I backpacked into the wilderness or had a few too many beers. Now the heating pad has earned a permanent place by my nightstand, complete with it's own socket that is never unplugged.
That's not the only change my body is experiencing, however. When I was younger, I could eat anything and not gain an ounce. No, I wasn't healthy, but I was active and that was enough. Yeah, not anymore. Since my last child, there's an extra 10 pounds of me sticking around, probably for good. DISCLAIMER: I love my body, and I am fine with this extra 10 pounds. I enjoy my larger hips and rounder rump. What I don't enjoy is the sagging. My skin just looks different. It doesn't look like the skin I had at the tender age of 20 before marriage and kids and adult-hood. Do I wish that things were a little, um, higher than they used to be? Yes, but since I'm not willing to do any type of exercise that could fix this, then I better just shut my mouth and be happy with what I've got.
I've also used the phrase "these kids nowadays" followed by the shaking of my head. I remember the first time I heard noise instead of music coming from the radio. The sound was so instantly irritating that I remember thinking "so that's what my mother was talking about." I don't get the way they dress. I don't get they way they act. I find myself saying things like "I wasn't raised like that" and "when I was a kid..." I look at young 20somethings with a confusing mixture of pity and jealousy. I loved my 20s, but looking back on them now I realize how naive, selfish, ungrateful and just plain clueless I was. I look at young people and wish them the best because I remember all too well the dangerous and confusing road they are traveling, and then I feel grateful for making it out alive. Not just alive, but with a beautiful family and all the comforts that your 30s are supposed to bring you.
I will miss my 20s. I met my husband and together we had three magnificent children. I met some of my best friends and learned a lot from people that didn't become friends. I learned what it means to take responsibility and to have others depend on you completely. I learned that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought I was and that sometimes you just need to walk away. I've learned that you can't change who you are, but that you can always change your attitude. Yes, the 20s were some of my best years, but to say that they were THE best is selling myself short. I have a long journey ahead of me yet.
Age is, after all, just a number, and you're really only as old as you feel. Sure, my body will continue to age and ache and I'm sure this isn't the first 10 pounds that won't find it's way off my waist. That's okay. I'm happy. I'm healthy. I have a wonderful life that will only get better from here. When people ask if I could go back and change anything, my reply is no. All that's happened, all that I've done (or haven't done), every mistake and accomplishment has brought me to here.
Cheers to you, 30. You might be dirty, but I've never been afraid of a little mud.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
The Corner Office
It's been almost a year since I walked away from the corporate world and became a stay-at-home mom. While the change was mostly out of necessity (two kids in daycare was already tight and three would have been nearly impossible), I had a gut feeling that this transition needed to be done.
Now, I look back on my decision and the life I have and have zero regrets. This is what I was meant to do. No, I won't do it always as once the kids go to school I'll return to the work force. This looming expiration date only makes me enjoy my time that much more.
As I compare my two lives - that of the corporate world and that of the domestic universe - I see striking similarities. In many ways, my time in customer service and management prepared me for being a stay-at-home mom. I still wake up at 5am every morning. I shower, I do my hair and minimal make-up, and I put on jeans. No, I'm not donning jewelry or blazers and heels anymore, but I also don't allow myself to mope around in sweatpants either. And while my "commute" is from the bedroom to the kitchen, I've gained an entire house in lieu of a cubicle. Here are other ways the corporate world as helped me in my domestic life.
Motivate
How do you get a 4 year old to clean up the living room? How about getting a 2 year old to use the potty? One of the most important things I was taught about management was that you have to learn what drives people. I've applied this logic to my children several times. Fortunately, it's easy to decipher what drives my children to do things - food. Specifically, chocolate and treats. If they finish their supper, they get dessert. If my daughter goes pee/poo in the potty, she gets a treat in the form of M&Ms. The key is that I make sure to hold these treats sacred and only give them out when something has been accomplished. They know they only get cookies for dessert and not for snack. Some may call it bribery, I call it rewarding. It's only bribery if you do it wrong.
Develop Talent
A company can't run efficiently if you have the wrong people doing the wrong jobs. Same goes for a household. For example, my son loves puzzles. He can sit for hours at the table in complete quiet doing puzzles. Naturally, I buy him puzzles and try get him ones I know will be a challenge. My daughter, on the other hand, is more of a mover and a shaker. She needs noise. For her, we get things that light up and make sound. If my son has a meltdown, we put on a movie and let him zone out. If my daughter throws a fit, we put on some music and she dances the tears away. I don't know yet where they will excel in academics or extra activities or sports, but whatever it is, I will be there to support them and challenge them to become the best they can - or want - to be.
Innovate
Ever have one of those nights where you go to make supper and all you find in the cupboards are cobwebs? Yeah, that happens on occasion around here. Enter Innovation. I can always find something to make for supper. Whether it's edible and will be eaten is up for debate, but I will always have food ready. Being innovative is a necessity for a stay-at-home parent with three small children under the age of 5. If I'm out of a key ingredient, I'm not going to pack up all the kids in the car and run to the store. I need to improvise. Luckily, I've created some of our favorite family meals this way.
Process Improvement
Things need to run smoothly in my house. I don't have time to spend 5 minutes looking for a sock when we're supposed to be heading out the door. I live by the motto "a place for everything and everything in it's place." My house is not clean or neat, but any standards, but it is organized (to a point) and works for us. For example, my youngest daughter has a ton of blankets that somehow always end up all over the house. I got tired of folding them every night, so they ended up being draped over the crib. Come bedtime, they would end up in a pile on the floor. That's not okay with me as I'm not really a "pile" kind of person. To improve this process, I took a plaque with hooks that had jewelry on it and moved it into my daughters room. Now all the blankets are hanging on the wall, not in a pile on the floor, and I don't have to fold them every day. Process improved.
Maintain/Improve Performance Standards
This is a tough one, both in the corporate world and the domestic universe. Setting clear standards and expectations are the first crucial step. In the corporate world, that's pretty simple. At home, it can get a little messy. What are appropriate expectations for a 4 year old, let alone my 4 year old? How do I know if I'm being unreasonable? If I want my son to establish a behavior as a habit, the first step is to give him something to model in myself. If I tell him not to use naughty words but them swear like a sailor, I can't reasonably punish him when the inevitable F bomb is dropped. The second part is to focus on the good and use that to improve the not-so-good. If he does an awesome job of cleaning up all the toys at the end of the day, I have to make sure to celebrate that and add how much easier it was when we didn't throw fits or complain about cleaning up. You can't have a meeting of the minds and only focus on the negative. The only result will be demoralization, which won't change any behaviors.
Have Fun
At the office, it was easy to get lost in the day-to-day activities. Emails, meetings, reports, more emails. There were days where I was so busy and flustered and overwhelmed that I was not a fun person. Unfortunately, those same pitfalls exist at home in the form of laundry, dishes and other household duties. It's easy for me to feel overwhelmed with three children to raise and a house to run. I'm not a spontaneous person, so I have to schedule in fun time. When my two youngest are sleeping, my son and I play games. I let them jump in the mud puddles. Go ahead and throw all the crayons around the living room. It can all be cleaned up later. We go to story time at the library and will spend an absurd amount of hours at parks this summer. We'll have picnics and go "camping" in the back yard. This time is limited, and they are only awake for 13 hours a day. I need to remember that the laundry can wait.
Know Your Business
At my previous job, we would have daily mini-meetings regarding the current state of the business we were in charge of. These terrified me, mainly because you couldn't BS your way through it. You had to know what you were talking about, anticipate questions and have solutions to problems. It was nerve-wracking for a perfectionist like me. Well, parenting isn't much different. When my son asks why the sky is blue, I can't just stare at him with a blank face. I either need to know the answer and be able to explain it to a 4 year old, or know how to find the answer so we can learn together. I have to know how much money we have for groceries and tailor my shopping list accordingly. I have to know when the children were last immunized and for what. I need to know how much they are eating and when they are eating and what their favorite foods are. I have to know my business, except now my business is the health, safety and happiness of my family. Makes those mini-meetings that were once the black hole in my day look like a walk in the park.
For me, there are many more perks to staying at home than going into an office. Again, however, I also know this time is limited. It was suggested that I could start a daycare. Nope. Not for me. I'm looking forward to the day I can dip my toe back into the working world simply because it will be yet another new and exciting chapter to my life. I'll never regret my decision to stay home and I'll never take for granted that I was able to raise my children for such a short time. Out of all the jobs I've had (and I've had quite a few), this has taught me the most.
For now, I'll sit and sip my coffee as I look out my corner office and take a deep sigh of gratitude.
Now, I look back on my decision and the life I have and have zero regrets. This is what I was meant to do. No, I won't do it always as once the kids go to school I'll return to the work force. This looming expiration date only makes me enjoy my time that much more.
As I compare my two lives - that of the corporate world and that of the domestic universe - I see striking similarities. In many ways, my time in customer service and management prepared me for being a stay-at-home mom. I still wake up at 5am every morning. I shower, I do my hair and minimal make-up, and I put on jeans. No, I'm not donning jewelry or blazers and heels anymore, but I also don't allow myself to mope around in sweatpants either. And while my "commute" is from the bedroom to the kitchen, I've gained an entire house in lieu of a cubicle. Here are other ways the corporate world as helped me in my domestic life.
Motivate
How do you get a 4 year old to clean up the living room? How about getting a 2 year old to use the potty? One of the most important things I was taught about management was that you have to learn what drives people. I've applied this logic to my children several times. Fortunately, it's easy to decipher what drives my children to do things - food. Specifically, chocolate and treats. If they finish their supper, they get dessert. If my daughter goes pee/poo in the potty, she gets a treat in the form of M&Ms. The key is that I make sure to hold these treats sacred and only give them out when something has been accomplished. They know they only get cookies for dessert and not for snack. Some may call it bribery, I call it rewarding. It's only bribery if you do it wrong.
Develop Talent
A company can't run efficiently if you have the wrong people doing the wrong jobs. Same goes for a household. For example, my son loves puzzles. He can sit for hours at the table in complete quiet doing puzzles. Naturally, I buy him puzzles and try get him ones I know will be a challenge. My daughter, on the other hand, is more of a mover and a shaker. She needs noise. For her, we get things that light up and make sound. If my son has a meltdown, we put on a movie and let him zone out. If my daughter throws a fit, we put on some music and she dances the tears away. I don't know yet where they will excel in academics or extra activities or sports, but whatever it is, I will be there to support them and challenge them to become the best they can - or want - to be.
Innovate
Ever have one of those nights where you go to make supper and all you find in the cupboards are cobwebs? Yeah, that happens on occasion around here. Enter Innovation. I can always find something to make for supper. Whether it's edible and will be eaten is up for debate, but I will always have food ready. Being innovative is a necessity for a stay-at-home parent with three small children under the age of 5. If I'm out of a key ingredient, I'm not going to pack up all the kids in the car and run to the store. I need to improvise. Luckily, I've created some of our favorite family meals this way.
Process Improvement
Things need to run smoothly in my house. I don't have time to spend 5 minutes looking for a sock when we're supposed to be heading out the door. I live by the motto "a place for everything and everything in it's place." My house is not clean or neat, but any standards, but it is organized (to a point) and works for us. For example, my youngest daughter has a ton of blankets that somehow always end up all over the house. I got tired of folding them every night, so they ended up being draped over the crib. Come bedtime, they would end up in a pile on the floor. That's not okay with me as I'm not really a "pile" kind of person. To improve this process, I took a plaque with hooks that had jewelry on it and moved it into my daughters room. Now all the blankets are hanging on the wall, not in a pile on the floor, and I don't have to fold them every day. Process improved.
Maintain/Improve Performance Standards
This is a tough one, both in the corporate world and the domestic universe. Setting clear standards and expectations are the first crucial step. In the corporate world, that's pretty simple. At home, it can get a little messy. What are appropriate expectations for a 4 year old, let alone my 4 year old? How do I know if I'm being unreasonable? If I want my son to establish a behavior as a habit, the first step is to give him something to model in myself. If I tell him not to use naughty words but them swear like a sailor, I can't reasonably punish him when the inevitable F bomb is dropped. The second part is to focus on the good and use that to improve the not-so-good. If he does an awesome job of cleaning up all the toys at the end of the day, I have to make sure to celebrate that and add how much easier it was when we didn't throw fits or complain about cleaning up. You can't have a meeting of the minds and only focus on the negative. The only result will be demoralization, which won't change any behaviors.
Have Fun
At the office, it was easy to get lost in the day-to-day activities. Emails, meetings, reports, more emails. There were days where I was so busy and flustered and overwhelmed that I was not a fun person. Unfortunately, those same pitfalls exist at home in the form of laundry, dishes and other household duties. It's easy for me to feel overwhelmed with three children to raise and a house to run. I'm not a spontaneous person, so I have to schedule in fun time. When my two youngest are sleeping, my son and I play games. I let them jump in the mud puddles. Go ahead and throw all the crayons around the living room. It can all be cleaned up later. We go to story time at the library and will spend an absurd amount of hours at parks this summer. We'll have picnics and go "camping" in the back yard. This time is limited, and they are only awake for 13 hours a day. I need to remember that the laundry can wait.
Know Your Business
At my previous job, we would have daily mini-meetings regarding the current state of the business we were in charge of. These terrified me, mainly because you couldn't BS your way through it. You had to know what you were talking about, anticipate questions and have solutions to problems. It was nerve-wracking for a perfectionist like me. Well, parenting isn't much different. When my son asks why the sky is blue, I can't just stare at him with a blank face. I either need to know the answer and be able to explain it to a 4 year old, or know how to find the answer so we can learn together. I have to know how much money we have for groceries and tailor my shopping list accordingly. I have to know when the children were last immunized and for what. I need to know how much they are eating and when they are eating and what their favorite foods are. I have to know my business, except now my business is the health, safety and happiness of my family. Makes those mini-meetings that were once the black hole in my day look like a walk in the park.
For me, there are many more perks to staying at home than going into an office. Again, however, I also know this time is limited. It was suggested that I could start a daycare. Nope. Not for me. I'm looking forward to the day I can dip my toe back into the working world simply because it will be yet another new and exciting chapter to my life. I'll never regret my decision to stay home and I'll never take for granted that I was able to raise my children for such a short time. Out of all the jobs I've had (and I've had quite a few), this has taught me the most.
For now, I'll sit and sip my coffee as I look out my corner office and take a deep sigh of gratitude.
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