This week's controversy: Is Meghan Trainor's new single "Dear Future Husband" sexist?
Ugh. Not one to be left out of a crowd, I'll share my opinion. This should be fun....
I watched the video. I saw the 1950s theme which goes along with the singer's other pop hits. I saw her cooking in the kitchen and washing the floor, men coming to her door trying to woo her.
I also listened to they lyrics (p.s. that switch from "bed" to "kiss" was clever).
I can see how people would assume that it's sexist and as some are claiming, setting the women's movement back 50 years. Right, because in this culture, it would make sense that a silly little music video would have more power than things like birth control options or wage inequality.
While watching the video, I also used these hearing tunnels on the side of my head to listen to the words. I have to wonder how many of those claiming this to be anti-feminist did the same thing. I think we need to re-evaluate anatomy, because it appears now that people can speak without using their brains first.
I didn't hear a sexist woman. I heard the opposite. I heard a woman that listed what she wanted and what she was willing to give in return. Alexander Hamilton said "Those who stand for nothing will fall for anything." {Note: Yes, I am quoting a man in an article about sexism.}
If a person doesn't stand up and realize what they are looking for in a relationship of any kind, if they don't declare what they want out of it and what they are willing to give in return, they will fall for anything.
In dating terms, this could mean that if a person doesn't know their standards, they could fall for someone that doesn't quite make sense with them. In the end, while lessons will be learned, they won't get out of it what they want or need.
It also applies to a professional relationship. A person needs to know what they want out of a career and what they are willing to put in.
In Meghan Trainor's video, I don't see a woman bending at any opportunity to make her man happy. I see a confident and introspective person that knows what she wants and is laying it flat out on the table, take it or leave it. That's my kind of person.
As for the video, which I can assume is the biggest reasons for the sexist thinking...
Point 1: She was on her hands and knees scrubbing a floor. Guess what? I get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor. I used to have a mop, but it broke. Luckily, I still have these incredible things called hands that can be submerged into water and swipe a rag.
When the floor needs to be cleaned, I don't sit around and think about how to clean it without a mop. I don't anticipate or wait for my husband to clean it. I don't lower my capabilities, intelligence or confidence by literally lowering myself onto the floor. I see a dirty floor. I clean it. Because I like clean floors. And I can clean it. So....
Point 2: She cooks. Egad! Call the police! Did you see how many dirty dishes were on her counter? And her apron wasn't even dirty! Oh, I'm going to faint, get my smelling salts.
If you listen to the lyrics, she actually says "You got that 9 to 5/But, baby, so do I/So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies/I never learned to cook/But I can write a hook."
Okay, hold on now. Is she sexist for being in the kitchen and trying to cook? Or for not being able to cook? Or for telling the future husband not to expect her to cook? Or is it that she has a different talent and is very content with nurturing that and building a career off of it instead of letting the man bring home all the bacon?
Hm...................
I'm really shaking my head at this one. I don't see a single anti-feminist fallopian tube about it. And I don't think the singer was intending on making any sort of statement. I think she was singing a song about what she wants in a man and relationship. I think she made a video with a 1950s theme, showing her doing various activities inside and outside. I think the video was meant to be ironic and fit perfectly with the lyrics.
I think we all need to stop worrying about how we feel about scrubbing the floor and just scrub the damn floor.
I scrub the floors. I clean the house, take care of the kids, do the laundry and cook the suppers. I also take care of a garden, chop wood and use power tools. I like to read and I like to write. I have ovaries and one hell of a wicked temper. And I like beer with my steaks.
So I'm curious: what label to I fit into? Feminist? Anti-feminist? Girly-girl? Tomboy?
Why do you care what label I have affixed to me? More importantly, why would I care what label you try to slap me with?
I think we could all learn a lesson from this song and video. Not about feminism and sexism, but I think about inner confidence. We would all benefit from a healthy dose of honesty with ourselves. What do we want out of life? What are we willing to give in return to get what we want?
Because if you go in blind and don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And I, for one, prefer standing.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Stick a Fork in Me: I'm Done
When you know, you just know.
I knew before, but after this weekend, I'm 1000% completely irreversibly negative doubt DONE.
He was adorable, absolutely beautiful. He smelled like perfection, spit-up and all. And when he cuddled up and fell asleep on my chest, I almost started crying at how much I loved him.
But never once did it cross my mind that I might want another baby. In fact, I thought about the midnight feedings and the constant messy diapers and changing shirts and the 24-hour attention required for a newborn and I thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't going down that road anymore.
I looked at my three beautiful children and knew my heart was full. I had what I wanted (what I didn't know I wanted) and I didn't need anymore. Now I could be an Auntie, and that in itself is a whole different kind of joy, love and pride that I never knew I could feel.
And now I get it. When people decide not to have children, I get it. There isn't a doubt. There isn't a maybe. There is a definitive feeling of not wanting that.
Everyone assumed that I would want another baby after holding my nephew. Nope. I'm done. I'm glad I was fixed and I'm not looking back.
But with me, already having three children of my own, people don't question it. They just shrug and say "ok." I don't have to explain myself.
However, remove those three children, and the conversation wouldn't be over. I'd end up having to defend every single aspect of my life, my goals and dreams, my personality and basically try to convince someone why I'm not the spawn of Satan for not wanting to procreate.
That would suck. And it would probably get annoying and I would probably get a little snippy and sarcastic about it and then people would think "wow, maybe it's a good thing she's not having kids," because clearly I'd be a bad mother anyway. And then they'd walk away with that rational and be perfectly happy with it.
That wouldn't just suck. It would be horrifying.
So to all the people out there (especially women) that have decided not to have children: I apologize on behalf of humanity. And I hear ya'.
And to all the families out there that have decided they are complete: massive air high-five. We've earned it and damned be anyone that tries to change out mind. Besides, perfection can only be achieved so many times.
And finally, to anyone that personally makes it their mission to understand why someone doesn't have children: keep your thoughts to yourself. Because unless you've been there, you might not understand.
I knew before, but after this weekend, I'm 1000% completely irreversibly negative doubt DONE.
He was adorable, absolutely beautiful. He smelled like perfection, spit-up and all. And when he cuddled up and fell asleep on my chest, I almost started crying at how much I loved him.
But never once did it cross my mind that I might want another baby. In fact, I thought about the midnight feedings and the constant messy diapers and changing shirts and the 24-hour attention required for a newborn and I thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't going down that road anymore.
I looked at my three beautiful children and knew my heart was full. I had what I wanted (what I didn't know I wanted) and I didn't need anymore. Now I could be an Auntie, and that in itself is a whole different kind of joy, love and pride that I never knew I could feel.
And now I get it. When people decide not to have children, I get it. There isn't a doubt. There isn't a maybe. There is a definitive feeling of not wanting that.
Everyone assumed that I would want another baby after holding my nephew. Nope. I'm done. I'm glad I was fixed and I'm not looking back.
But with me, already having three children of my own, people don't question it. They just shrug and say "ok." I don't have to explain myself.
However, remove those three children, and the conversation wouldn't be over. I'd end up having to defend every single aspect of my life, my goals and dreams, my personality and basically try to convince someone why I'm not the spawn of Satan for not wanting to procreate.
That would suck. And it would probably get annoying and I would probably get a little snippy and sarcastic about it and then people would think "wow, maybe it's a good thing she's not having kids," because clearly I'd be a bad mother anyway. And then they'd walk away with that rational and be perfectly happy with it.
That wouldn't just suck. It would be horrifying.
So to all the people out there (especially women) that have decided not to have children: I apologize on behalf of humanity. And I hear ya'.
And to all the families out there that have decided they are complete: massive air high-five. We've earned it and damned be anyone that tries to change out mind. Besides, perfection can only be achieved so many times.
And finally, to anyone that personally makes it their mission to understand why someone doesn't have children: keep your thoughts to yourself. Because unless you've been there, you might not understand.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
The Parenting Test
Parenting is hard. Like, really, really hard. Like, doubt your entire purpose of self existence and have a quarter-life crisis every few hours kind of hard.
We, undoubtedly, make it much harder on each other; with all the judging and advice giving and the dirty looks just because my child started crying in the grocery store because I wouldn't let her have an entire bag of lollipops. It's easiest to judge other parents because it's something we think we understand and for some reason, ridiculing other peoples' choices makes us feel like we know what the hell we're doing {plot twist: we don't}.
There are many debates about what makes someone a good parent. Just as there are social standards for physical appearance, income status and career choice, there are extremely high standards for parenting. How do you discipline your children? What do they eat? Do you vaccinate? How intelligent are they? The questions are long and more daunting than any test I've ever had, mostly because I know there is no right answer but that every answer is actually wrong.
So I'm just going to clarify a few things about parenting. I feel like we need this clarification, that we need to take a stand against these rigid guidelines we've imposed on ourselves and just let it be. Because parenting is hard. Regardless. Of anything else. Parenting is just plain hard.
Your Job Doesn't Matter
There is a large debate about stay-at-home-parents vs. working parents. It's a large and ridiculous debate. Because if these two sects of parents have anything in common, it's that they are parents. Last time I checked, working and earning an income doesn't take away any of your legal parenting rights. It doesn't make you love your children less. Likewise, just because you don't work and choose to (or have to) raise the kids all day doesn't mean you love them any more than other parents.
I have been both a working parent and a stay-at-home-parent and there are a few things that never changed: guilt, how often I worry/wonder about my children, and the love I feel for them. These things don't change, regardless of your job status.
It also doesn't matter where you work. If you think that the soldier serving overseas is more family oriented than the person flipping your burgers, then you need to adjust your social standards. Kids simply don't care about that major project you're working on or the promotion you're trying to get. Kids care that you are there when they need you.
How Often You See Them Doesn't Matter
Do you live with your children? Do you work 10 or 12 hour days? Do these instances make you love them less? Hell no. I've been that parent that only sees their child for 2 hours in the evening, and that time was about eating supper, taking a bath and getting ready for bed. I've also been the parent that is around their child 24 hours. Do I love my children more than I did then? Nope. In fact, now that I am around them so much, I fantasize about vacations away from the kids. {Just for clarification, if you think that last wish makes me less of a parent, then you can just sit there and judge me while I fill up this gigantic glass of wine also. Go ahead, I'll nod and smile while you talk. Because you're an adult, and I'll take adult conversation where I can get it. As long as you don't randomly shout out "I have to go pee!"}
Likewise, not living with your child also doesn't make you less of a parent. To me, there is no such thing as a part-time parent. Shared custody is a legal term, not a definition of a type of parent. Here's a confession: sometimes I wish that I could have a regularly scheduled weekend away from the kids. It would be nice to send them out the door someplace, say once a month, for the weekend. And I am confident sharing this because while I would enjoy sleeping in, showering when I wanted and eating chocolate for breakfast, I would also miss the hell out of them. I would wander around the house, not really sure of what to do. They wouldn't leave my thoughts. It would be constant. Because I'm a parent. It's kind of how our brains work after procreating.
{Note: I understand there is a valid argument against this point. Read on, have patience.}
Your Parenting Style/Decisions Don't Matter
Do you vaccinate? Are you a helicopter parent? Have your kids eaten enough dirt to grow food for a third-world country? Are you home-schooling?
There is far too much focus on "types" of parents, on parenting styles and on the decisions that parents are making every day. Parenting stereotypes are possibly the most lethal of all stereotypes because while they are directed at the parent, they impact the child. It shouldn't matter whether you fiercely hover over your child or let them fall down to learn a few lessons. A parents' natural instinct is to protect their child, and parents now have many options for how they choose to do that.
Elizabeth Stone wrote that having a child is to "forever [to] have your heart go walking around outside your body." And it's true. It's inexplicably, joyfully and painfully true. Yes, I know there are horror stories out there, but this is where I choose to put on my rose colored hippie glasses and think that every parents' actions are out of love. Who am I to categorize that love? And based on what, exactly? Love can't be measured, especially a love so other-worldly as a parent's love for a child.
Bad Apples
This isn't to interpret that having a child automatically makes you an ambassador on love. I don't think that for one second I can walk into the office of a CEO and take over the company and have any smidgen of success. I'm not qualified. I have no experience. Before I had children, I also didn't think I was qualified or had the experience necessary to raise a human being {spoiler alert: there is no qualifications or experience that prepares you for that}. I also don't attempt to climb Mt. Everest. With the proper training, I suppose I could do it. But I'm really more of a sit on the couch and read a book type of person. I have no desire to do it.
Parenting is kind of similar. It is common knowledge that every single person simply must procreate. Isn't that why we fall in love? Why we get married? Why we get jobs and live our lives? So we can share the wealth of our DNA with future generations? From a biological standpoint, yes. From a human standpoint, ugh. Not everyone should be a parent. Confession time: I sometimes think of what my life would be like with no children, or with just one child. It would be much different. Easier? Probably not. Happier? Most likely not, but that's my life choice.
My point is, not every parent is a good parent. {Pause for dramatic gasp!} But didn't I just say...? Yes. Every parent loves their child. That doesn't mean every parent should be a parent. There are a few proverbial bad apples out there that seem to ruin it for the rest of us. Parenting requires a certain level of common sense and a nurturing aspect in tune with the feelings of others. It also requires some trial and error, as in, you never know until you try. For example, I was concerned about the type of father my husband would be. We'd never been around kids and it didn't seem like something he was extremely excited about. Turns out, he's the fun parent. He loves nothing more than rolling around on the floor and playing cars or dinosaurs. He's an amazing father.
What Does Matter
The real kicker of parenting is that you never really know if you're doing a bang-up job or not. Sure, you could wait for your kids to grow up and base your success on theirs, but that insinuates that the parents of inmates are somehow to blame for their child's actions and there fore are horrible people. I don't believe this. So how in the hell are we supposed to know if we're doing this parenting thing right?
Let them know you love them. All the time. Tell them. Show them. Make them feel important. Support them. Let them know.
Make your time count. Whether it's 2 hours a day or 12, make it count. Be there, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Teach them. They learn from us. That's a part of parenting that we can't get away from. They learn from our actions and our words. They learn how to navigate this world and the different people in it by our interactions. You can teach them to be judgmental and hate or you can teach them understanding and kindness. We have a unique opportunity to mold them from birth. This opportunity is precious and should not be wasted. They are always watching. Support them and guide them as they grow.
These are actions that aren't regulated by a job, income or time. These are regulated by you. Regardless of the situation, these are completely within your control, possibly the only things within your control when it comes to the unpredictable nature of life. Use them to your advantage.
We, undoubtedly, make it much harder on each other; with all the judging and advice giving and the dirty looks just because my child started crying in the grocery store because I wouldn't let her have an entire bag of lollipops. It's easiest to judge other parents because it's something we think we understand and for some reason, ridiculing other peoples' choices makes us feel like we know what the hell we're doing {plot twist: we don't}.
There are many debates about what makes someone a good parent. Just as there are social standards for physical appearance, income status and career choice, there are extremely high standards for parenting. How do you discipline your children? What do they eat? Do you vaccinate? How intelligent are they? The questions are long and more daunting than any test I've ever had, mostly because I know there is no right answer but that every answer is actually wrong.
So I'm just going to clarify a few things about parenting. I feel like we need this clarification, that we need to take a stand against these rigid guidelines we've imposed on ourselves and just let it be. Because parenting is hard. Regardless. Of anything else. Parenting is just plain hard.
Your Job Doesn't Matter
There is a large debate about stay-at-home-parents vs. working parents. It's a large and ridiculous debate. Because if these two sects of parents have anything in common, it's that they are parents. Last time I checked, working and earning an income doesn't take away any of your legal parenting rights. It doesn't make you love your children less. Likewise, just because you don't work and choose to (or have to) raise the kids all day doesn't mean you love them any more than other parents.
I have been both a working parent and a stay-at-home-parent and there are a few things that never changed: guilt, how often I worry/wonder about my children, and the love I feel for them. These things don't change, regardless of your job status.
It also doesn't matter where you work. If you think that the soldier serving overseas is more family oriented than the person flipping your burgers, then you need to adjust your social standards. Kids simply don't care about that major project you're working on or the promotion you're trying to get. Kids care that you are there when they need you.
How Often You See Them Doesn't Matter
Do you live with your children? Do you work 10 or 12 hour days? Do these instances make you love them less? Hell no. I've been that parent that only sees their child for 2 hours in the evening, and that time was about eating supper, taking a bath and getting ready for bed. I've also been the parent that is around their child 24 hours. Do I love my children more than I did then? Nope. In fact, now that I am around them so much, I fantasize about vacations away from the kids. {Just for clarification, if you think that last wish makes me less of a parent, then you can just sit there and judge me while I fill up this gigantic glass of wine also. Go ahead, I'll nod and smile while you talk. Because you're an adult, and I'll take adult conversation where I can get it. As long as you don't randomly shout out "I have to go pee!"}
Likewise, not living with your child also doesn't make you less of a parent. To me, there is no such thing as a part-time parent. Shared custody is a legal term, not a definition of a type of parent. Here's a confession: sometimes I wish that I could have a regularly scheduled weekend away from the kids. It would be nice to send them out the door someplace, say once a month, for the weekend. And I am confident sharing this because while I would enjoy sleeping in, showering when I wanted and eating chocolate for breakfast, I would also miss the hell out of them. I would wander around the house, not really sure of what to do. They wouldn't leave my thoughts. It would be constant. Because I'm a parent. It's kind of how our brains work after procreating.
{Note: I understand there is a valid argument against this point. Read on, have patience.}
Your Parenting Style/Decisions Don't Matter
Do you vaccinate? Are you a helicopter parent? Have your kids eaten enough dirt to grow food for a third-world country? Are you home-schooling?
There is far too much focus on "types" of parents, on parenting styles and on the decisions that parents are making every day. Parenting stereotypes are possibly the most lethal of all stereotypes because while they are directed at the parent, they impact the child. It shouldn't matter whether you fiercely hover over your child or let them fall down to learn a few lessons. A parents' natural instinct is to protect their child, and parents now have many options for how they choose to do that.
Elizabeth Stone wrote that having a child is to "forever [to] have your heart go walking around outside your body." And it's true. It's inexplicably, joyfully and painfully true. Yes, I know there are horror stories out there, but this is where I choose to put on my rose colored hippie glasses and think that every parents' actions are out of love. Who am I to categorize that love? And based on what, exactly? Love can't be measured, especially a love so other-worldly as a parent's love for a child.
Bad Apples
This isn't to interpret that having a child automatically makes you an ambassador on love. I don't think that for one second I can walk into the office of a CEO and take over the company and have any smidgen of success. I'm not qualified. I have no experience. Before I had children, I also didn't think I was qualified or had the experience necessary to raise a human being {spoiler alert: there is no qualifications or experience that prepares you for that}. I also don't attempt to climb Mt. Everest. With the proper training, I suppose I could do it. But I'm really more of a sit on the couch and read a book type of person. I have no desire to do it.
Parenting is kind of similar. It is common knowledge that every single person simply must procreate. Isn't that why we fall in love? Why we get married? Why we get jobs and live our lives? So we can share the wealth of our DNA with future generations? From a biological standpoint, yes. From a human standpoint, ugh. Not everyone should be a parent. Confession time: I sometimes think of what my life would be like with no children, or with just one child. It would be much different. Easier? Probably not. Happier? Most likely not, but that's my life choice.
My point is, not every parent is a good parent. {Pause for dramatic gasp!} But didn't I just say...? Yes. Every parent loves their child. That doesn't mean every parent should be a parent. There are a few proverbial bad apples out there that seem to ruin it for the rest of us. Parenting requires a certain level of common sense and a nurturing aspect in tune with the feelings of others. It also requires some trial and error, as in, you never know until you try. For example, I was concerned about the type of father my husband would be. We'd never been around kids and it didn't seem like something he was extremely excited about. Turns out, he's the fun parent. He loves nothing more than rolling around on the floor and playing cars or dinosaurs. He's an amazing father.
What Does Matter
The real kicker of parenting is that you never really know if you're doing a bang-up job or not. Sure, you could wait for your kids to grow up and base your success on theirs, but that insinuates that the parents of inmates are somehow to blame for their child's actions and there fore are horrible people. I don't believe this. So how in the hell are we supposed to know if we're doing this parenting thing right?
Let them know you love them. All the time. Tell them. Show them. Make them feel important. Support them. Let them know.
Make your time count. Whether it's 2 hours a day or 12, make it count. Be there, mentally, physically and emotionally.
Teach them. They learn from us. That's a part of parenting that we can't get away from. They learn from our actions and our words. They learn how to navigate this world and the different people in it by our interactions. You can teach them to be judgmental and hate or you can teach them understanding and kindness. We have a unique opportunity to mold them from birth. This opportunity is precious and should not be wasted. They are always watching. Support them and guide them as they grow.
These are actions that aren't regulated by a job, income or time. These are regulated by you. Regardless of the situation, these are completely within your control, possibly the only things within your control when it comes to the unpredictable nature of life. Use them to your advantage.
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