I don't claim to be perfect. Hell, if you ask me what's wrong, you better pull up a chair and get comfortable, because I'm about to list every little detail that could possibly be wrong with with me. And I'll defend them at the same time, just to keep you on your toes.
Like most of us in the quest for understanding ourselves, I've tried to fit myself into nice little categories. I've taken personality tests, read about astrology and birth order, compared introvert vs. extrovert and stared at a glass of water just to try figure out how full it was.
Turns out, my mood changes. It really does depend on timing and while I may get a certain result one day, I will get a different result on a different day. This, mind you, is normal. I've accepted that I am a complex creature, are as most humans, and embraced it.
This willingness to allow myself to evolve and adapt has led to a much firmer understanding. Regardless of what personality trait I'm rocking during a certain day, there's a few things that never change. One, for example, is that I simply don't like people that are mean to others. Reasoning or not, I don't appreciate it.
Hence why I'm a little testy today. I read an article this morning on Elite Daily by Ashley Fern titled "23 Reasons Why Passive Aggressive People Actually Just Suck at Life" (click here for article). I tend to be a little passive aggressive (the main reason I don't watch reality TV), so I decided to read it, thinking it would be some funny article about how hard it is to be passive aggressive in today's society.
Haha. Ha.
Instead, I'm feeling a little aggressive. Never one to be backed into a corner, I'm going to use the brain and mouth that I was blessed with to set the record straight. If this article was meant to be funny, it missed the mark. It's not funny. It's mean.
Ashley Fern is clearly not a passive aggressive person, which makes me wonder why in the hell she was writing this article to begin with. Except, if she simply doesn't like passive aggressive people for the 23 reasons she listed {p.s. that's a lot of fricken' reasons}.
What is the opposite of passive aggressive, anyway? Is it simply aggressive? As with personalities, I don't believe there are defined levels of aggression that we simply fit into. However, I have met some aggressive people, and while I didn't particularly care for them, I simply stayed away from them. I didn't write an article on why they "literally just suck." Cite my passive aggressive nature. Or call it being a decent human being.
Instead of speaking for all passive aggressive folks out there, I'm
going to speak for me and give a little lesson on what goes on in my
brain.
Of the 23 points, 20 of them are complete bullshit. The other 3 are true in a sense, but not in the context provided. Also, I have a feeling that the author may have met quite a few people in her life that have reacted to her this way, not because they are passive aggressive, but because they simply didn't like her.
So here's my response, in the justified 23 point form.
1. I do make eye contact when having a conversation. It's a sign of respect. If someone doesn't look at you when you talk to them, chances are they don't want to be talking to you. Take the hint.
2. It's a little intimidating and exhausting trying to ensure a harmonious balance to the universe at all times. Most of the time, I try to solve problems internally. This can be a little much, so I go to my trusted friends as a sounding board. Even if I know what should be done, if it requires complications and hurt feelings, I'll dig in my heels and entertain any other possible solution. This can lead to complaining. I think this is okay to do once in a while. {Note: If every time someone comes to you to vent and you get annoyed, they might not be the issue.}
3. I have an incredibly hard time expressing my emotions to people. Here's why: they are my emotions and my problems. There is simply no reason to get others involved. When I get upset, I need to crawl in a hole for a minute by myself and internally deal with what's going on. The worst thing you can do is corner me and force me to verbalize how I'm feeling. People have tried this with me. It didn't help. What came out was mostly gibberish, followed my a look of concern that wasn't necessary. I don't even know what I'm feeling, so how in the hell am I supposed to communicate that to someone else?
4 & 5. I am an extremely trusting person. I am a great listener and sounding board and will gladly hand out advice to any that ask. Just because I have trouble with my own emotions doesn't make me impervious to the feelings of others. If anything, I can provide both a logical and emotional viewpoint that comes from years of internally compartmentalizing my own situations. Also, trust issues go both ways.
6. As with the internal battle, the solution to most issues will also be internal. Again, it's resolved in my head, so it's resolved in my world. No, I don't necessarily feel the need to walk around, waving like I'm in a parade and announce that all is okay. However, if you need closure, you can simply ask me if everything is okay.
7 & 16. I do leave notes. I prefer texting or emails to phone calls. It's easier to communicate my feelings through writing than words. Why? Good question. It's just easier for me to present myself in this medium. There's less pressure to look, act and react in a certain way. It doesn't mean you can't approach me and talk to me (although I do screen my calls). It sure as hell doesn't mean I expect you to change your communication style just to accommodate me.
8, 9 & 21. I can say no. I can say yes. I can make decisions. Most of the time, I literally just don't care. I am a go-with-the-flow kind of person and would rather let other people lead the way. It's okay to not have an opinion about every single little thing. Likewise, it's okay to not share your opinion about every single little thing. You can call it agreeable or being passive. I consider it being open-minded and not getting my panties in a bunch over ridiculous things. I'm owning it either way.
10 & 11. Okay, so I tend to try hide problems under the rug. I'm confessing to this one. Unless there is a clear and easy path of least resistance in which everyone comes out happy, then I'm gonna need a while to figure out another solution. I prefer to call it procrastination, which isn't much better. I will figure it out and fix it in my own time and my own way. If you try to push me through this process, prepare for a complete shutdown in which nothing will happen. Ever.
12. I tend to talk the talk but refuse to walk the walk. Why? I'm immediately pissed, then I sort through my feelings and come to a resolution. I do realize that some of the things I say could get to people I might not want to hear it, but I have always owned up to that, without excuse. Luckily, I have a solid support group that understands this and loves me anyway. {Note: If it's a normal occurrence that people are talking shit behind your back, you might want to start listening to what they're saying.}
13. I can explode, but it's not normally from holding in my emotions. It's from being poked and prodded by people demanding something of me that I literally can't give them. Like the hissing of a fuse, I give gentle warnings. Keep poking. Then you'll really know how I feel. Probably for the last time, too, since I won't see the need to have that type of negative behavior infiltrate my rosy little world again.
14 & 15. I don't expect any one to read my mind. In fact, can you just not? If I want to tell you something, I will. If I don't and you suspect something is wrong, leave it be. It's not your issue. It's mine. If I'm mad at you, I'll get sarcastic and rude to let you know that you're not my favorite person. However, know that most likely, it has nothing to do with you personally and that I am just plain cranky. Leave it alone. Don't poke the bear.
17 & 18. I would prefer to stay out of an argument between others. I simply don't have the energy, unless I can bring the two sides to a compromise. I tend to know when my opinion isn't warranted or needed. Also known as, I don't stick my nose where it doesn't belong.
19. If I come to you to talk, listen up. It is a very difficult thing for me to do and will take a lot of bravery on my part. It's a one shot deal. Want to know how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking? I'm about to lay it all out on the table and walk away. Your reaction will speak volumes about you.
20. I am not a victim, even when more aggressive folks try to make me feel like one. If you get the sense that everyone around is feeling victimized, maybe they are, by you. Mean Girls, anyone??
22. I tend to say what I mean and mean what I say. As I've already covered, if I'm telling you what I'm feeling, I've put a lot of effort into it and it's the real deal. There's been an entire internal diagnosis happening before I ever opened my mouth. Having said that, and relating to items 4, 5, 12, 15, 17 and 18, I fear the author has some misplaced trust issues.
23. Covered this one. Done. And done. Soooo done.
Now that I've vented and defended myself (or was that complaining?), I'm feeling a little foolish. If I didn't also reaffirm the confidence I should have in myself, it would have been waste of my time.
My feelings and emotions are mine. When I give them to something, I give it all. This take a lot of energy and trust, two things I hold dear. Therefore, I am very picky about when I divulge them. If you know me and you get that, thank you. If you're currently judging me, I'm nodding and smiling for you.
Because while I may be passive aggressive, I'm not fond of arrogance and conceitedness, particularly when used to attack an entire group of people that just want to be left alone.
But then again, that's just how I feel....
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
Let the Kid Flag Fly
While cleaning today, I had a brief urge to really clean my house and make it look like one of those pictures in a home decor magazine.
Then I laughed, took a drink of my cold coffee and picked up the dinosaurs for the 50th time.
I have kids. You'd probably know this before talking to me or visiting my house. You'd know it before pulling into my driveway.
Kids have toys, and I have 3 kids, which means I have lots and lots and lots of toys. In fact, even with pulling off every organizing trick that Pinterest has to offer, I still have toys "organized" in a line on the floor against a wall. Not that that they stay there, except during the night when the kids are sleeping.
I used to decorate my house. I'd spend an entire afternoon rearranging displays on my fireplace mantle, hanging art and mirrors, angling picture frames and nick-knacks just perfectly on my beautiful antique furniture.
Now, 5 years later, I'm finally waving the kid-friendly white flag. My kids have officially taken over the house. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay that instead of white porcelain song birds on the mantle, there is now an impressive collection of Disney movies. The beautiful antique furniture is great for storing puzzles and smaller toys. And that large living room? Perfect play area that was made for dumping out buckets of toys.
I know because it happens daily. It used to bother me. I wanted a way to hide all the toys that were in the living room or figure out how to store them in their bedrooms. Find any way to bring out that tote from the basement that has all me home decorations stored away.
It's simply no use. Their rooms are small and we don't have a toy room. Our house is the toy room, their domain, and I'm okay with that now.
Because one day, the Disney movies will be gone and the kids won't be busy dumping toys out on the living room floor. I'll walk into the living room and see those porcelain birds, no hand prints on the window, and an empty floor. The kids will be somewhere else, doing something else, other than "destroying" my living room.
Just that one thought and the mess suddenly doesn't bother me. In fact, I just might go lay in the middle of the floor and make a "toy" angle. And then I'll play, while they still want to and while we still can.
One day, you won't be able to tell if we have kids just by driving by or walking into my house. Because one day, kids won't live here. They'll be replaced by young adults, concerned with things much more important than where their favorite blankie has disappeared to this time.
So when you come over, expect the worse. If you don't like it, fine. If you think I want tips on organizing, I'll smile and nod and say thank you because I was raised right. But next time you come over, you're going to see the same thing, for as long as possible, until the kids are begging me to put away their baby toys.
Because this is their home, too, and if they feel the best with every toy they own strewn on the floor, then okay. Because when they're happy, that's when I feel the best. And no organizing trick will give you a feeling like that.
Then I laughed, took a drink of my cold coffee and picked up the dinosaurs for the 50th time.
I have kids. You'd probably know this before talking to me or visiting my house. You'd know it before pulling into my driveway.
Kids have toys, and I have 3 kids, which means I have lots and lots and lots of toys. In fact, even with pulling off every organizing trick that Pinterest has to offer, I still have toys "organized" in a line on the floor against a wall. Not that that they stay there, except during the night when the kids are sleeping.
I used to decorate my house. I'd spend an entire afternoon rearranging displays on my fireplace mantle, hanging art and mirrors, angling picture frames and nick-knacks just perfectly on my beautiful antique furniture.
Now, 5 years later, I'm finally waving the kid-friendly white flag. My kids have officially taken over the house. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay that instead of white porcelain song birds on the mantle, there is now an impressive collection of Disney movies. The beautiful antique furniture is great for storing puzzles and smaller toys. And that large living room? Perfect play area that was made for dumping out buckets of toys.
I know because it happens daily. It used to bother me. I wanted a way to hide all the toys that were in the living room or figure out how to store them in their bedrooms. Find any way to bring out that tote from the basement that has all me home decorations stored away.
It's simply no use. Their rooms are small and we don't have a toy room. Our house is the toy room, their domain, and I'm okay with that now.
Because one day, the Disney movies will be gone and the kids won't be busy dumping toys out on the living room floor. I'll walk into the living room and see those porcelain birds, no hand prints on the window, and an empty floor. The kids will be somewhere else, doing something else, other than "destroying" my living room.
Just that one thought and the mess suddenly doesn't bother me. In fact, I just might go lay in the middle of the floor and make a "toy" angle. And then I'll play, while they still want to and while we still can.
One day, you won't be able to tell if we have kids just by driving by or walking into my house. Because one day, kids won't live here. They'll be replaced by young adults, concerned with things much more important than where their favorite blankie has disappeared to this time.
So when you come over, expect the worse. If you don't like it, fine. If you think I want tips on organizing, I'll smile and nod and say thank you because I was raised right. But next time you come over, you're going to see the same thing, for as long as possible, until the kids are begging me to put away their baby toys.
Because this is their home, too, and if they feel the best with every toy they own strewn on the floor, then okay. Because when they're happy, that's when I feel the best. And no organizing trick will give you a feeling like that.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Falling For Anything: Another sexist rant
This week's controversy: Is Meghan Trainor's new single "Dear Future Husband" sexist?
Ugh. Not one to be left out of a crowd, I'll share my opinion. This should be fun....
I watched the video. I saw the 1950s theme which goes along with the singer's other pop hits. I saw her cooking in the kitchen and washing the floor, men coming to her door trying to woo her.
I also listened to they lyrics (p.s. that switch from "bed" to "kiss" was clever).
I can see how people would assume that it's sexist and as some are claiming, setting the women's movement back 50 years. Right, because in this culture, it would make sense that a silly little music video would have more power than things like birth control options or wage inequality.
While watching the video, I also used these hearing tunnels on the side of my head to listen to the words. I have to wonder how many of those claiming this to be anti-feminist did the same thing. I think we need to re-evaluate anatomy, because it appears now that people can speak without using their brains first.
I didn't hear a sexist woman. I heard the opposite. I heard a woman that listed what she wanted and what she was willing to give in return. Alexander Hamilton said "Those who stand for nothing will fall for anything." {Note: Yes, I am quoting a man in an article about sexism.}
If a person doesn't stand up and realize what they are looking for in a relationship of any kind, if they don't declare what they want out of it and what they are willing to give in return, they will fall for anything.
In dating terms, this could mean that if a person doesn't know their standards, they could fall for someone that doesn't quite make sense with them. In the end, while lessons will be learned, they won't get out of it what they want or need.
It also applies to a professional relationship. A person needs to know what they want out of a career and what they are willing to put in.
In Meghan Trainor's video, I don't see a woman bending at any opportunity to make her man happy. I see a confident and introspective person that knows what she wants and is laying it flat out on the table, take it or leave it. That's my kind of person.
As for the video, which I can assume is the biggest reasons for the sexist thinking...
Point 1: She was on her hands and knees scrubbing a floor. Guess what? I get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor. I used to have a mop, but it broke. Luckily, I still have these incredible things called hands that can be submerged into water and swipe a rag.
When the floor needs to be cleaned, I don't sit around and think about how to clean it without a mop. I don't anticipate or wait for my husband to clean it. I don't lower my capabilities, intelligence or confidence by literally lowering myself onto the floor. I see a dirty floor. I clean it. Because I like clean floors. And I can clean it. So....
Point 2: She cooks. Egad! Call the police! Did you see how many dirty dishes were on her counter? And her apron wasn't even dirty! Oh, I'm going to faint, get my smelling salts.
If you listen to the lyrics, she actually says "You got that 9 to 5/But, baby, so do I/So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies/I never learned to cook/But I can write a hook."
Okay, hold on now. Is she sexist for being in the kitchen and trying to cook? Or for not being able to cook? Or for telling the future husband not to expect her to cook? Or is it that she has a different talent and is very content with nurturing that and building a career off of it instead of letting the man bring home all the bacon?
Hm...................
I'm really shaking my head at this one. I don't see a single anti-feminist fallopian tube about it. And I don't think the singer was intending on making any sort of statement. I think she was singing a song about what she wants in a man and relationship. I think she made a video with a 1950s theme, showing her doing various activities inside and outside. I think the video was meant to be ironic and fit perfectly with the lyrics.
I think we all need to stop worrying about how we feel about scrubbing the floor and just scrub the damn floor.
I scrub the floors. I clean the house, take care of the kids, do the laundry and cook the suppers. I also take care of a garden, chop wood and use power tools. I like to read and I like to write. I have ovaries and one hell of a wicked temper. And I like beer with my steaks.
So I'm curious: what label to I fit into? Feminist? Anti-feminist? Girly-girl? Tomboy?
Why do you care what label I have affixed to me? More importantly, why would I care what label you try to slap me with?
I think we could all learn a lesson from this song and video. Not about feminism and sexism, but I think about inner confidence. We would all benefit from a healthy dose of honesty with ourselves. What do we want out of life? What are we willing to give in return to get what we want?
Because if you go in blind and don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And I, for one, prefer standing.
Ugh. Not one to be left out of a crowd, I'll share my opinion. This should be fun....
I watched the video. I saw the 1950s theme which goes along with the singer's other pop hits. I saw her cooking in the kitchen and washing the floor, men coming to her door trying to woo her.
I also listened to they lyrics (p.s. that switch from "bed" to "kiss" was clever).
I can see how people would assume that it's sexist and as some are claiming, setting the women's movement back 50 years. Right, because in this culture, it would make sense that a silly little music video would have more power than things like birth control options or wage inequality.
While watching the video, I also used these hearing tunnels on the side of my head to listen to the words. I have to wonder how many of those claiming this to be anti-feminist did the same thing. I think we need to re-evaluate anatomy, because it appears now that people can speak without using their brains first.
I didn't hear a sexist woman. I heard the opposite. I heard a woman that listed what she wanted and what she was willing to give in return. Alexander Hamilton said "Those who stand for nothing will fall for anything." {Note: Yes, I am quoting a man in an article about sexism.}
If a person doesn't stand up and realize what they are looking for in a relationship of any kind, if they don't declare what they want out of it and what they are willing to give in return, they will fall for anything.
In dating terms, this could mean that if a person doesn't know their standards, they could fall for someone that doesn't quite make sense with them. In the end, while lessons will be learned, they won't get out of it what they want or need.
It also applies to a professional relationship. A person needs to know what they want out of a career and what they are willing to put in.
In Meghan Trainor's video, I don't see a woman bending at any opportunity to make her man happy. I see a confident and introspective person that knows what she wants and is laying it flat out on the table, take it or leave it. That's my kind of person.
As for the video, which I can assume is the biggest reasons for the sexist thinking...
Point 1: She was on her hands and knees scrubbing a floor. Guess what? I get on my hands and knees and scrub the floor. I used to have a mop, but it broke. Luckily, I still have these incredible things called hands that can be submerged into water and swipe a rag.
When the floor needs to be cleaned, I don't sit around and think about how to clean it without a mop. I don't anticipate or wait for my husband to clean it. I don't lower my capabilities, intelligence or confidence by literally lowering myself onto the floor. I see a dirty floor. I clean it. Because I like clean floors. And I can clean it. So....
Point 2: She cooks. Egad! Call the police! Did you see how many dirty dishes were on her counter? And her apron wasn't even dirty! Oh, I'm going to faint, get my smelling salts.
If you listen to the lyrics, she actually says "You got that 9 to 5/But, baby, so do I/So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies/I never learned to cook/But I can write a hook."
Okay, hold on now. Is she sexist for being in the kitchen and trying to cook? Or for not being able to cook? Or for telling the future husband not to expect her to cook? Or is it that she has a different talent and is very content with nurturing that and building a career off of it instead of letting the man bring home all the bacon?
Hm...................
I'm really shaking my head at this one. I don't see a single anti-feminist fallopian tube about it. And I don't think the singer was intending on making any sort of statement. I think she was singing a song about what she wants in a man and relationship. I think she made a video with a 1950s theme, showing her doing various activities inside and outside. I think the video was meant to be ironic and fit perfectly with the lyrics.
I think we all need to stop worrying about how we feel about scrubbing the floor and just scrub the damn floor.
I scrub the floors. I clean the house, take care of the kids, do the laundry and cook the suppers. I also take care of a garden, chop wood and use power tools. I like to read and I like to write. I have ovaries and one hell of a wicked temper. And I like beer with my steaks.
So I'm curious: what label to I fit into? Feminist? Anti-feminist? Girly-girl? Tomboy?
Why do you care what label I have affixed to me? More importantly, why would I care what label you try to slap me with?
I think we could all learn a lesson from this song and video. Not about feminism and sexism, but I think about inner confidence. We would all benefit from a healthy dose of honesty with ourselves. What do we want out of life? What are we willing to give in return to get what we want?
Because if you go in blind and don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And I, for one, prefer standing.
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