Will the Real Single Parents Please Stand Up

If there's anything I've learned in the last 6 years since giving birth to my first child, it's that parenting is hard.

I don't care what your situation is. If you know a child and are responsible for some aspect of that child, it's hard. I don't care how many children you have, what ages they are, how often you see them or what role you play in their lives. It's all hard.

I've written before how the village no longer exists when it comes to raising children. I used to be an active participant in this evacuation process until I witnessed it first hand. Now, I'm part of the village revival. This means that if your children come to my house, I will teach them manners and tell them the rules. It also means that if my children are guests in your home, you have my blessing to do the same.

One of the perks of being part of a village is the support. We've all had those exhausting and difficult days. You know the ones, where you end up hiding in a dark closet, crying because you just can't anymore. The days where you feel like a complete and utter failure.

I say "we've all" because this is a part of parenting. There are horrible times of parenting and there are incredibly precious moments that make up for it. This is what it means to be a parent.

Which is why I'm shaking my damn head today as I watch one parent lash out and try divide the village. This is the same behavior that led to the disbanding of the village in the first place. Somewhere along the evolution of parenting, it became a competition. What you do and how you do it or what you don't do and why or who helps or doesn't have become terms on which we divide ourselves and it's fucking ridiculous.

The blogger in question is a "single mom" that is calling out others posing as "single parents." She details what it means to be an actual "single mom." You can read her article here.

Ugh, I have so many points to cover with this that I don't even know where to begin....

Let's start with the term "single parent." Your relationship status has no bearing on your ability to raise a person. There. I don't care if you're single, married, divorced or just having a good ol' time with someone. Those labels don't indicate what kind of parent you are, despite what society has so erroneously decided. If you decide to let your relationship status impact the type of parent you are, then the problem is you.

I found myself nodding when the "single mom" was listing off her daily routine and responsibilities. I was nodding because I have those same responsibilities. The first plot twist is that I am married. The second plot twist is that these are the responsibilities of being a parent. These are things that all parents do. She is not "single" in this experience.

There’s no one there each night to tell me I did all right today and that our child is amazing. There’s no one beside me to laugh about that funny thing he said after naptime. There will be no one there every morning to remind me that it’s a new day with no mistakes in it yet. - See more at: https://www.scarymommy.com/cant-single-mom-it-youre-not-single-mom/#sthash.VtYFtQhx.dpuf

She comments that there isn't anyone there to "tell me I did alright today" or "remind me it's a new day." She details how she has to pay a sitter if she even wants to go to the doctor and that childless time with friends is expensive. This leads me to believe that she has unrealistic standards for what it's like to be married with kids. I also need to find a sitter if I need to visit the doctor. This is because my husband also works and his schedule is so unstable that even something planned weeks in advance can change the day before.

Her argument seems to be based on those with spouses that travel and deems their "extra work load" as temporary, where as hers is permanent. Just for the record, there is no such thing as a temporary work load when it comes to parenting. It's kind of a permanent thing. She extends an olive branch, but it's covered in stipulations.

Without going into the details of my own family dynamic, what I will confess is that I am the primary care giver. I am there, most of the time the only one, for reasons and circumstances that are our own. Does the ring on my finger mean I don't get a right to complain? Do I not qualify for support or encouragement because the government recognizes a spouse?

From the sounds of it, this mom has her shit together. Hell, even I was a little jealous reading it and know how kick-ass she's doing at the toughest thing in the world. Maybe instead of rolling her eyes at the other moms that are having an equally hard time, she should listen and offer words of wisdom and encouragement. Even hearing someone they know what that's like and talking about it is helpful. Maybe she could try join the village. We'd love to have her.

To answer her final question: No. I will not save the term "single momming it" for those who really are. Your job is no more difficult than mine. We both have situations that we need to deal with because we are parents. Our situations are different, but that doesn't make one any harder or easier than the other. We will both deal with loose teeth, scraped knees, bullying and heartbreak. We will both handle the same situations and we will both shake with fear and cry with frustration and laugh with delight at the beautiful people we are raising.

Because we are Moms, and it's hard. No further explanation or labeling or name calling is needed. We have enough to deal with already and such precious little time to waste on things so petty. Instead, let's grab a glass of wine after the kids are sleeping and pat each other on the back for surviving another day.