What Celebrity Divorce is Teaching Me About Love

Another day, another shocking celebrity divorce.

Ben and Jennifer. Blake and Miranda. Gavin and Gwen. Will and Jada (yet to be confirmed).

Will the turmoil ever end?

I don't know why I'm using their first names. I don't know these people. I bet you recognize them all the same and felt that little twinge in your chest at the demise of their happily ever afters.

The questions following the shock and horror is always "What happened?" Who is to blame? Did Ben really cheat with the nanny - again?! Blake and Miranda were so solid, country music gold. It had to be something devastating to tear them apart. Gwen has already accused Gavin of cheating. And then there's Will and Jada, who have for years been open about their open marriage. Did it get a little crowded?

We simple peasants may never know the actual truths, despite the pain we feel and the tears we cry over the grand spectacle of love that we adored through our multiple screens.

If they can't make it, who can?

Statistics are actually pretty hard to find on divorce rate. I should say, reliable statistics. I found an abundance of sources, but the statistics changed depending on the source. For example, the American Psychology Association was the first to pop up in my search, complete with a box highlighting this little factoid:

"They are also good for children; growing up in a happy home protects children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. However, about 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher."

 This clearly propagates the negative stigma that a home - and its occupants - can't be happy after divorce. But I'll get to that later.

Other sources say the divorce rate is down due to marriages happening later in life. Others say it is increasing due to baby boomers divorcing. These two sources completely contradict themselves. 

In full truth, the United States Census hasn't been following data on marriage and divorce rates. Even the CDC only offers the number of marriages a year and the number of divorces a year, and not even for every state. One would think that the easy way to get a divorce rate is to divide the number of marriages by divorces for a given year. This won't work because the marriages that occurred in that year weren't necessarily divorced in that year.  

As we've seen with the rash of celebrity divorces so far this summer, marriages can dissolve after 4 years, 12 years or even 25 years. Marriage and divorce data can't be compiled by state via a census because the data is individual. 

I'm not sure what the solution is to collect accurate data. I'm not sure we need to. If you're contemplating getting married or divorced, I don't think a number or statistic should have any hold in your decisions. 

So what about that little ditty from the American Psychology Association? Psychologists have been studying the effect of family dynamics for years, trying to find any connection for anything. Will coming from a "broken home" make you less likely to find love and be loved? Or worse, will it perpetuate delinquency? Heaven forbid if you come from a home with only one parent and no marriage at all.

Rubbish. Rubbish, I say! Marriage and family and what it looks like and who is involved is cultural and societal. The United States has formed it's own societal and cultural standards. In the 1950s and previous, it included a mother and father and children with the mother and father being married until death. Of course, this didn't always happen, even before 1950, but divorce was seen as taboo and not discussed. {Note: I have no statistical backing for these claims. It's simply my own observations and what I've been taught about American history.}

In the last 60 years, the stigma around divorce has lessened simply because it's happening more. We had no choice but to accept it as part of our culture. Unfortunately, this hasn't taken the stigma and negative connotation away. Young children are still taught that one day they will grow up, find someone they love, get married and stay that way. If they don't, they have failed at one integral foundation of life.

I don't think it's the divorce rate that's the problem. I think it's the marriage rate. I think we are engrained to view marriage as a right of passage and a programmed step in our lives. Growing up, we don't think about who to marry or why or what married life looks like, we just know we're going to get married one day. We find a person, fall in love and follow the steps. We believe it will work out because we're taught that it will.

The success of a marriage is only dependent on one thing - the people involved. The reasons for their divorce is their own. It doesn't mean someone cheated. It doesn't mean there was a scandal. It means that people fall in and out of love and that the love two people have for each other can change. People can love each other for the rest of their lives and never get married. People can love each other and get divorced anyway. 

Am I sad for Ben and Jennifer or Blake and Miranda or Gavin and Gwen? I'm not sure. On one side, ending a relationship is never easy, especially after so many years and when a family and life has been built together. On the other side, if the marriage wasn't bringing either of them joy anymore, then maybe it's not sad. Maybe it's just a change.

If you love someone, love them. If you want to live with them without a formal marriage, then do that. If you want to get married, then get married. If you don't want to be married to someone anymore, get divorced. 

Yes, I know it's not that easy. No relationship is easy and effortless. My point is to take away the fear and "what ifs" surrounding these statements. What if I fall out of love? What if I don't ever want to get married? What if the marriage doesn't last? 

Instead, enjoy the love while it lasts. Stop worrying about statistics and papers and the future. The statistics are false, the papers can be burned and the future is going to happen regardless. 

As for the celebrity couples out there, I hope they find their own happiness and can adapt to their new family structures. I hope they can tune out the media and not let it discredit whatever love they shared. I hope they learn more about themselves and take this opportunity to grow.