This article caught my attention because 1) it suggests that if your partner doesn't do these 11 things, they don't love you, 2) it suggests there is such a thing as True Love.
To be fair, I do believe in True Love (yes, I will be capitalizing that throughout this whole essay *snicker snicker*). I just don't believe that it applies to everyone. Likewise, I don't believe True Love follows a formula or that it can be defined for everyone the same way. Call me a realist. Call me cynical. Call me a crazy cat lady. I'm fine with all three.
This rant isn't about disproving this article or to rip it apart. It's simply about providing alternate points of view. I once subscribed to the idea of one True Love and a prince charming. When I was little, the only thing I wanted was a beautiful princess dress and I was convinced that once I put it on, my prince charming would ride up on his white horse and carry me away. I didn't really know or care where we would go or think about what would happen once we got there. I just knew that someone handsome was going to be riding a white horse.
I then subscribed to the idea of three major loves in life. By the time I was 16, I thought I was done. I'd met all my great loves of my life and was therefore destined to be alone, watching as those "great" loves carelessly moved onto to other victims (okay, so I was a little dramatic as a teenager). The man on the white horse trotted right past me and picked up someone smarter, prettier and less awkward in most social situations.
This led me to the "settling" stage of my life. No, he wasn't perfect. In fact, there wasn't a lot I liked about him. But he loved me. Adored me. Thought the sun shined out of my ass. It didn't matter if he wore a tinfoil hat and rode a donkey. To him, I was pretty enough, smart enough and just plain enough. And I thought that was True Love.
Once the shine of being loved and adored turned into a dull suffocation, I started my "having fun" stage. I realize I didn't have a type. I wasn't looking for anything serious. I didn't want a relationship and all the ties that it came with. I was a young, independent woman. I was focusing on school. I was paying my own bills and had my own place. I didn't need a man to make me happy. This was the most important lesson I've ever learned.
It's also what made falling in love with my now husband so easy. Turns out my prince charming never rode a white horse. He was a GTP kind of guy.
BUT
This isn't where the story ends. He didn't pick me up in his GTP so we could ride off into the sunset to our happily ever after. I wasn't about to give up being a young, independent woman who was starting to fall in love with herself. And while I loved him, I never for one second thought he was my True Love. In fact, I still don't. Because after 12 years together (!!!), 7 years of marriage and 3 kids, it's been anything but a Happily Ever After. That's good, because Happily Ever Afters are for endings. People throw in a Happily Ever After when they've met their True Love and everything is perfect so they force time and logic to stop because they're afraid of what will happen when the roller coaster starts rocketing down the hill. Here's a tip for when that happens (and it will): you hang on like hell and relish the butterflies in your tummy, then yell with unadulterated joy and throw your hands in the air when you start to rocket out of the dip.
Finding my True Love - whoa, wait, scratch that. "Finding" and "True Love" indicates there was an epic journey in which my sole purpose in life was to find another human being to love me and to love in return, thus negating all of our worth if that didn't happen. Meeting my future husband taught me a lot about myself as well. I didn't go into the relationship with a prerequisite or a checklist or expectations. I was having fun, and after a few weeks, I realized I liked having fun with him and didn't want that kind of fun with anyone else. Did he make me feel things I've never felt before? Yes. Oh my god yes. He opened up feelings in me that I had either shut out or never thought actually existed. He made me happy, excited about life, secure. He bolstered my self-esteem, gave me courage to plan for the future, taught me things I was never interested in (mostly car stuff, but hey, it's handy information. Can you change a brake line? Okay then...).
The key was that I didn't rely on him solely for this. I didn't rely on him to make me happy or to feel loved. My world didn't start and end with him. He pointed out my flaws, but didn't expect them to change. Instead, being the stubborn one that I am, I embraced my flaws and marketed them as part of myself. He's made me cry, as have all of the people I've loved, myself included. It comes as no surprise that when I love myself the most, during one of the best times in my life, that I met him. I was able to love him because of who I was and how much I loved myself. It also isn't coincidence that all of my best moments since then have been with him. I was able to let him in and see my flaws and insecurities and withstand any judgement he would hand down. And yes, he's handed it down over the years, and that doesn't mean he is a bad person or loves me any less. It sure as hell doesn't mean that I love myself any less, either.
The article in question lists 11 ways your partner will make you feel if it's True Love. If they don't do this, they don't love you. Okay. For argument sake, I'll buy into it. I agree that your partner should make you feel those 11 things. However, you should make yourself feel that first, without relying on someone else. Love isn't about needing, it's about wanting. Most important, just because your partner doesn't make you feel these things doesn't mean they don't love you. I read the list this morning. My husband has made me feel all of those things at point or another. Some, more than others. There are some that took a few years to come out. There are some that we're working on. I read it again, replacing my husband with myself. Do I love myself based on this list? A third time I read it, I asked if I made my husband feel any of this.
After all of this dissection, the following facts were clear: 1) I love my husband, 2) my husband loves me, 3) I love myself. All of this was true before I read the article. Nothing about those three things have changed after I read the article. And while I would like to think that the entire point of the article wasn't to change anyone's perspective on their love life, I fear that it will. I fear there will be insecure men and women who will read it and suddenly try to fit their love in a box. They'll start looking for the pros and the cons and checking them off a list. They'll ruin it and wonder what in the hell happened.
Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe. I've always been in love with this quote, but I don't think I ever fully understood it. Love is a wonderful thing. Love should be shared. You should love as much as you can. There is no prescribed or predestined amount of love you have to give, or that you can receive. Love many. The catch is the trust. You don't have to let just anybody in. Let only those you truly trust see your faults and insecurities. And above all, be in charge of your own life, thoughts and feelings. Be the captain of your canoe. You decide where to go and when and why. Other people can come along, those you love and the few you trust, but their presence doesn't have to dictate your paddling.
There isn't a set of rules for love. Love is a feeling, a phenomenon. It's different for every one and every situation. I love my best friend, I love my children and I love my husband. I love them all in different ways and for different reasons. Love is fluid and transformative. Most important, love is inside of you always. It starts with you. No matter how much you search for it on the outside or in other people, you'll never fully appreciate it until you develop the love you have within you.
Ride your own white horse. And wear your own tinfoil hat, if that's your thing. As long as you love it, the right people will love it too.
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