Santa and the Second Mortgage

Ah, Christmas. It's only two months away people. Can you feel the anxiety starting? Have you started saving? Already scoping out Christmas gifts and worrying if you'll have to take out a second mortgage?

I mean, are you super excited to be spending time with family and friends and celebrating the joys of the season?

There is a viral Facebook post that has been circulation for a few years now. regarding modesty with Christmas gifts. I saw it again the other day and it caught my attention. Here it is:

"Just a reminder to all you parents out there to be modest with your gifts from "Santa". Not all parents have a ton of cash to spend on making their kids Christmas special, so it doesn't make sense to have Santa give your kids a PlayStation4, a bike, and an iPad, while his best friend at school gets a new hat and mittens from Santa. You know? Give something small from Santa and make the more expensive presents from you. You can explain the value of money to kids, but you can't explain Santa's discrimination to a heartbroken kid. Keep that in mind this year and always..."

Ugh. I have so many thoughts on this I just had to sit and stew for a few days. I believe the intention in this is good. The mark is completely missed, however, and here's why.

First, don't remind me to be modest with gifts from Santa. Modesty is subjective, and if how much I spend on gifts really bothers someone, that is their problem and not mine. Frankly, it's no one's business what is or isn't spent on gifts. If you want to judge another parent for giving their kid an "expensive" electronic, just remember that you're the one doing the judging.

The amount of cash dropped on Christmas does not directly correlate to how special Christmas is. Therefore, it does make sense to give your child whatever gift you deem appropriate because the highlight of Christmas shouldn't be the gifts. You know?

If my child goes to school with his new toy and sees that his best friend got a hat and mittens and then proceeds to judge said friend, I'm failing as a parent. Here's the thing about kids: they're kids. They don't automatically know this stuff. We teach it to them. We teach them to judge each other based on material possessions. We teach them the monetary value of things and to think differently about people that have less expensive items. Santa doesn't do that. We do.

How exactly is giving the expensive presents from the parents and not from Santa making a difference? When my children get to a certain age, they will know that "Santa" is really not a person and then I'll have to explain to them that I didn't want them to feel bad for the neighbor kids so I gave him expensive presents anyway... wait... let me try that again. I didn't want them to think Santa was a discriminating asshat so I took his place... hold on... I think I can get it this time... The gifts were too nice to be from Santa so I wanted all the credit... wait... that's not right either...

Stating that Santa discriminates against kids based on the gifts he hands out is the coward's way out. Again, one day, the kids will know that Santa was actually mom and dad. If my child comes home and is upset because Jimmy got something really cool from Santa and all he got was this lousy gift, I would first take away that lousy gift and preach a little about being thankful. Then I would teach my son the dangers of comparing himself to others.

I also explain the value of money to my children, just not at Christmas. There are far better times to teach this valuable lesson. For example, when we're at the grocery store and he wants the name brand cereal but the store brand cereal is an entire $2.50 cheaper. That's a great time to explain the value of money. I don't want to put a price tag on their gifts because then they learn to think in terms of money and equate happiness to a price.

Instead, I'd like to take that time to teach my children how to be grateful and thankful for what they have. I'd like to teach them how to value their possessions, not because it was an expensive gift from Santa, but because it was a gift that was purchased with his happiness in mind. It was given to him because someone else was thinking of him. The cool thing about that lesson is that it applies to both iPads and underwear. I want my children to be thankful for the action figure toy they wanted as much as for the hat and gloves they needed.

When my children think of Christmas, I don't want their entire holiday hinging on what Santa will bring. Yes, that's part of the fun and yes, they should be excited. But when they're older and think of Christmas, I don't want them to remember it in the form of "that was the year I got this." I want them to remember the smell of Gram's house, sledding down the hill, hearing the sounds of family and friends laughing and having a great time together. I want them to remember Christmas, not gifts. 

I get the intention of this post, I really do. However, I think it's things like this that is creating a generation of people that are offended by everything. Why should I be offended or upset or have any feelings at all towards what other people have? I shouldn't, and neither should our kids.

This Little Light of Mine

Yesterday, October 15, was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. My Facebook feed was filled with friends and family lighting candles for the babies they no longer get to hold and sharing their stories. It warmed my heart to see that so many are now willing to talk about this and that as a community, we are no longer ashamed.

Except me. I stood in my kitchen, looking at my candle, and I couldn't light it.

I couldn't bring myself to bring flame to the wick and remember the two babies I carried that never made it. Even writing this now, I'm feeling a little panicky.

I'm trying to figure out why. I will gladly share the details of my stories. Everything, from when I found out I was pregnant to the aftermath of losing the child. I've shared my one experience many times and you can read it here. I thought it was common knowledge until I was speaking with my mother one day and she was shocked to find out that I'd had two miscarriages.

I slowly began to realize that I don't really talk about it. Not that I want to. Not that I need to. But I simply don't.

It's the same reason I was staring at that candle last night, unable to light it. If I lit the candle and stood alone there in the dark with just a single flame, I'd be right back where I was when it happened. Alone. In the dark. 

I can tell you all the details and facts of what happened when I lost my babies. But I'll never tell you of the emotional pain that still lingers. I've made my peace with what happened. I know it wasn't meant to be. I have three beautiful and healthy babies now and if the others had survived, I wouldn't have that. I know this. I know it wasn't my fault. I know it couldn't have been prevented. I know that it happens, much more often than we care to realize.

I knew all the facts and they gave me comfort. What I didn't know was that it would tear me apart from the inside out. I didn't know that after my body healed, my mind and soul would still be scarred. What I didn't know was that they always would be.

In true strong woman fashion, I tried to ignore this. I worked straight through my first miscarriage, not wanting to share that detail with any of my coworkers. I tried to go back to work the next day after my second miscarriage, but my body wouldn't let me. My mind needed something to focus on but it wasn't physically possible.

I was sent home with words of sympathy and hugs and looks of pity that were extremely well intended, but that I hated just the same. I didn't need pity or sympathy. This shit happens. Just let me move on.

And I won't tell you how after I went home to rest my physical condition, my mental condition started to deteriorate. I won't tell you how I locked the bedroom door, turned off my phone and laid in the dark for a week and cried.

I won't tell you because the pity on your face won't change it. The hugs won't make me feel better. It's something that I had to endure even though I fought it every second. It's something I have to live with, always burning the back of my brain.

So no. I can't light my candle yet. One day, hopefully, just not today. The last thing I want is to be left alone in the dark with my thoughts again.

Ask me if I've lost babies, and I'll boldly tell you about them. I'll share the details of when and how and what it was like. But I won't tell you all of it.

I'm sharing this because I know there are other people out there who couldn't light their candle, either. I'm speaking, not as someone who has been through it and made it, but as someone who is going through it still.

And while I feel like I suffered through it alone and that I always will, I know that I have an incredibly strong support system in my family and friends. They know me and how I deal with things and they always seem to offer the right kind of comfort, even when I think I don't need it. That has been what has gotten me through, knowing that other people have felt what I have, even if it's something that can't be described in words.

One day, I'll be able to light my candle. I'll be able to sit in the dark and not let the bad thoughts win. I'll be able to cry and walk away feeling lighter instead of heavier. Maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next year. Maybe someday.

One day, their little lights will shine.

The Good Wife

Hi folks. After almost a month long hiatus, I am happy to say that I am back. What was the reason for my hiatus? There wasn't one. I just wasn't writing. It happens.

Apparently my absence was noticed since a dear friend of mine sent me an article and not so subtly hinted at a blog post. It's comforting to know my opinion is wanted, or at least that she needs a little entertainment. Either way, I'm a giver, and my views on this article surprised even me, so here it is.

The article in question contains marriage advice. I'm not an expert in this field. My training merely consists of my own 7-year marriage. I've always been an excellent student, however, and I've learned a few things.

None of this, by the way, do I apply to my own life. I'm a masochist like that. Still, people ask me for marriage advice. The fact that I refuse to administer my own advice to my own relationship hasn't stopped people from listening and applying it to their own.

Last week, Michelle Duggar used her blog to answer a question from a fan. Us Weekly got their eyes on it and wrote their own article (you can read it here.). After reading the title of the article and seeing as how it's about the country's most fertile mama, you're probably rolling your eyes. At least another Duggar controversy would avert our attention from the debacle that is politics.


Well, I read the article and then I read the actual blog post. The Us Weekly sums it up pretty well, but it's always best to check the source directly. And I was a little surprised.

I agree with Michelle Duggar. I know. My feminist, bra-burning, equality-seeking hippie brain is spinning too.

It's good advice. No, seriously. It's good. The only caveat is Mrs. Duggar's life dream of being called "Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar." Being a wife shouldn't be anyone's life goal, but I'm going to let that slide on the account of the sisterhood and having an open mind. Who am I to judge another woman's dream? Moving on...

My favorite quote (and no, I can't believe I'm saying it that way, either) is:
"Anyone can iron Jim Bob’s shirt, anybody can make lunch for him. He can get his lunch somewhere else. But you are the only one who can meet that special need that he has in his life for intimacy. You’re it. You’re the only one."

She goes on to advise to be completely available to your husband, regardless of your own physical or mental state, because no one else in the world can meet that need.

I get it, and it's (gulp) even a little romantic. Wow, I'm feeling out of my element here. Romance and marriage advice. What have I become?

When I first read that part, I was all in gushy and gooey-eyed agreement, until I came to the "be available" and "joyfully available" and the "yes, sweetie, I'm here for you" parts.

Wait. One minute. That does not sound like fun to me. If I'm going to give myself completely, I would like at least a little something in return. I'm not a sex slave. I'm not there just for some man's pleasure. What's in it for me?

Yes, that might sound selfish. Turns out... I'm selfish.

Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar, as she prefers to be called, went on to explain that in return for always being "joyfully available" for her husband, what she gets in return is complete emotional support. She says he would "lay down his life" for her.

Let's just all take a moment to let our ovaries let out a collective sigh.

She goes on to describe how each partner has different needs in a marriage and that it's important to be a wife first and a mother later. Like I said, I'm no relationship expert, but that shit is golden. Legit gold.

Understanding the fundamental differences between men and women is essential in any relationship. Men are physical creatures. They like sex. Women are emotional creatures. They like feelings. Most of the time, after men get their physical needs met, they are much more willing to give the emotion. It's the opposite for women. We need the emotion first before we're willing to take our clothes off. It's easy to see how a stalemate can develop.

This isn't true word for word for every relationship, however. For the man, it might not always be about sex and it might not always be about emotion for the woman. The point is, however, that everyone in a relationship has different needs. Each person brings different pros and cons to the relationship and the key is to find someone that balances those cons and is willing to put up with them, all while not taking advantage of your pros.

Damn, love is hard. And it's not for everyone. Even following this algorithm, commitment and marriage and monogamy isn't for everyone. Before you can be honest with what you want in a relationship with another person, you have to be honest with what you can give to someone else and what you want in return. Then you need to have the balls to be honest with that other person. If they want something you can't give, or if they don't give what you need, it won't work. We are not altruistic creatures. If we give, we expect, and a majority of the time, we expect first without giving. It's a balance.

I also don't want to give the impression that if you do this from the very beginning, life with your partner will be cherry. This is where death by complacency comes in. People change. Their needs and wants change. What they are able to give can change. Finding someone who is willing to adapt with you is precious.

That's where Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar's second piece of advice comes in. She uses her own terms for it, but I call it keeping other people out of your relationship. Your relationship is private. It's between you and that other person. If you're mad at your partner, tell them. Don't cry to your best friend. Yes, your best friend will always provide that shoulder to cry on and you will feel better after a quart of ice cream and bottle of wine, but the problem won't be solved. The problem isn't between you and your friend, it's between you and your partner, and if you don't let your partner know there is a problem, it can't be fixed.

The same goes for when things are great. Share that with your partner. If you have a fantastic day, your partner should be the first person you want to share it with. On the other side, they should share in your happiness and celebrate it with you. When you hear something, think something, feel something, you should be able to share that with the one person that is supposed to be there. If you can't, or won't, it's not real.

When you stop communicating, you start living separate lives. And what's the point of being in a relationship if you are living a separate life?

Praise publicly, correct privately. Those are her words, and they're amazing. Your partner is supposed to stand with you as a united front against the world, someone who is not only willing but proud to be next to you. Likewise, you need to be that for your partner. Remember: balance.

Her third piece of advice is also a great one. Get help when you need it, and get it from an unbiased, impartial third party. Yes, your best friend knows you inside and out but she doesn't know your relationship through your eyes. The key is not to do this when problems start to arise. Too often, people save couples counseling for when there is a problem. At this point, it might already be too late. Feelings are already hurt. Lives are already separating. Scars are already forming that won't necessarily heal. Don't check your bank account when you're card gets declined and don't check your relationship when you start becoming unhappy. Keep tabs on that shit, all the time. Check yourself before your wreck yourself. Insert your own metaphor here.

So there. That's my love advice. I just want to add the disclaimer that I am a 100% hypocrite because it's taken me 7 years of marriage and 12 years of a relationship to figure this out. It's kind of like deciding to climb over the entire mountain instead of taking the tunnel through it because I'm afraid of the dark. I guess it's true that those who can't do, teach instead.

And that's it. Don't worry. I'm done with all this goopy stuff now. Next time: gun control.