The Good Wife

Hi folks. After almost a month long hiatus, I am happy to say that I am back. What was the reason for my hiatus? There wasn't one. I just wasn't writing. It happens.

Apparently my absence was noticed since a dear friend of mine sent me an article and not so subtly hinted at a blog post. It's comforting to know my opinion is wanted, or at least that she needs a little entertainment. Either way, I'm a giver, and my views on this article surprised even me, so here it is.

The article in question contains marriage advice. I'm not an expert in this field. My training merely consists of my own 7-year marriage. I've always been an excellent student, however, and I've learned a few things.

None of this, by the way, do I apply to my own life. I'm a masochist like that. Still, people ask me for marriage advice. The fact that I refuse to administer my own advice to my own relationship hasn't stopped people from listening and applying it to their own.

Last week, Michelle Duggar used her blog to answer a question from a fan. Us Weekly got their eyes on it and wrote their own article (you can read it here.). After reading the title of the article and seeing as how it's about the country's most fertile mama, you're probably rolling your eyes. At least another Duggar controversy would avert our attention from the debacle that is politics.


Well, I read the article and then I read the actual blog post. The Us Weekly sums it up pretty well, but it's always best to check the source directly. And I was a little surprised.

I agree with Michelle Duggar. I know. My feminist, bra-burning, equality-seeking hippie brain is spinning too.

It's good advice. No, seriously. It's good. The only caveat is Mrs. Duggar's life dream of being called "Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar." Being a wife shouldn't be anyone's life goal, but I'm going to let that slide on the account of the sisterhood and having an open mind. Who am I to judge another woman's dream? Moving on...

My favorite quote (and no, I can't believe I'm saying it that way, either) is:
"Anyone can iron Jim Bob’s shirt, anybody can make lunch for him. He can get his lunch somewhere else. But you are the only one who can meet that special need that he has in his life for intimacy. You’re it. You’re the only one."

She goes on to advise to be completely available to your husband, regardless of your own physical or mental state, because no one else in the world can meet that need.

I get it, and it's (gulp) even a little romantic. Wow, I'm feeling out of my element here. Romance and marriage advice. What have I become?

When I first read that part, I was all in gushy and gooey-eyed agreement, until I came to the "be available" and "joyfully available" and the "yes, sweetie, I'm here for you" parts.

Wait. One minute. That does not sound like fun to me. If I'm going to give myself completely, I would like at least a little something in return. I'm not a sex slave. I'm not there just for some man's pleasure. What's in it for me?

Yes, that might sound selfish. Turns out... I'm selfish.

Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar, as she prefers to be called, went on to explain that in return for always being "joyfully available" for her husband, what she gets in return is complete emotional support. She says he would "lay down his life" for her.

Let's just all take a moment to let our ovaries let out a collective sigh.

She goes on to describe how each partner has different needs in a marriage and that it's important to be a wife first and a mother later. Like I said, I'm no relationship expert, but that shit is golden. Legit gold.

Understanding the fundamental differences between men and women is essential in any relationship. Men are physical creatures. They like sex. Women are emotional creatures. They like feelings. Most of the time, after men get their physical needs met, they are much more willing to give the emotion. It's the opposite for women. We need the emotion first before we're willing to take our clothes off. It's easy to see how a stalemate can develop.

This isn't true word for word for every relationship, however. For the man, it might not always be about sex and it might not always be about emotion for the woman. The point is, however, that everyone in a relationship has different needs. Each person brings different pros and cons to the relationship and the key is to find someone that balances those cons and is willing to put up with them, all while not taking advantage of your pros.

Damn, love is hard. And it's not for everyone. Even following this algorithm, commitment and marriage and monogamy isn't for everyone. Before you can be honest with what you want in a relationship with another person, you have to be honest with what you can give to someone else and what you want in return. Then you need to have the balls to be honest with that other person. If they want something you can't give, or if they don't give what you need, it won't work. We are not altruistic creatures. If we give, we expect, and a majority of the time, we expect first without giving. It's a balance.

I also don't want to give the impression that if you do this from the very beginning, life with your partner will be cherry. This is where death by complacency comes in. People change. Their needs and wants change. What they are able to give can change. Finding someone who is willing to adapt with you is precious.

That's where Mrs. Jim Bob Duggar's second piece of advice comes in. She uses her own terms for it, but I call it keeping other people out of your relationship. Your relationship is private. It's between you and that other person. If you're mad at your partner, tell them. Don't cry to your best friend. Yes, your best friend will always provide that shoulder to cry on and you will feel better after a quart of ice cream and bottle of wine, but the problem won't be solved. The problem isn't between you and your friend, it's between you and your partner, and if you don't let your partner know there is a problem, it can't be fixed.

The same goes for when things are great. Share that with your partner. If you have a fantastic day, your partner should be the first person you want to share it with. On the other side, they should share in your happiness and celebrate it with you. When you hear something, think something, feel something, you should be able to share that with the one person that is supposed to be there. If you can't, or won't, it's not real.

When you stop communicating, you start living separate lives. And what's the point of being in a relationship if you are living a separate life?

Praise publicly, correct privately. Those are her words, and they're amazing. Your partner is supposed to stand with you as a united front against the world, someone who is not only willing but proud to be next to you. Likewise, you need to be that for your partner. Remember: balance.

Her third piece of advice is also a great one. Get help when you need it, and get it from an unbiased, impartial third party. Yes, your best friend knows you inside and out but she doesn't know your relationship through your eyes. The key is not to do this when problems start to arise. Too often, people save couples counseling for when there is a problem. At this point, it might already be too late. Feelings are already hurt. Lives are already separating. Scars are already forming that won't necessarily heal. Don't check your bank account when you're card gets declined and don't check your relationship when you start becoming unhappy. Keep tabs on that shit, all the time. Check yourself before your wreck yourself. Insert your own metaphor here.

So there. That's my love advice. I just want to add the disclaimer that I am a 100% hypocrite because it's taken me 7 years of marriage and 12 years of a relationship to figure this out. It's kind of like deciding to climb over the entire mountain instead of taking the tunnel through it because I'm afraid of the dark. I guess it's true that those who can't do, teach instead.

And that's it. Don't worry. I'm done with all this goopy stuff now. Next time: gun control.