It was a calm, relaxing Sunday night. The kids were in bed and I was ready to sit down and veg out on the couch in front of the TV.
And then my husband turned on the MTV VMA's. "Why?" I whined. Because he wanted to see what kind of shenanigans Miley Cyrus could think of. Fine. FINE.
I used to watch the VMA's religiously. Back when I was a young sprout and being socially relevant was important and I thought music stars ruled the world. Back when MTV played music and had TRL and the Real World (the good ones, not the fake ones). Back when life was good and so was the music.
Still, I couldn't avert my eyes. Or stop frowning. I officially have resting old lady face from watching. Now I have to do facial exercises. The fact that I know what those are is an indication I shouldn't have been watching in the first place...
1. Miley Cyrus did not disappoint as a host. She was all the wackiness and craziness that was expected. Yes, I actually liked her as a host. Plus, we got to see her tit. Actually, we got to see everything but her vagina. Mission accomplished, Miley.
2. Nicki Minaj is talented and beautiful. And she's obsessed with her hoo-ha. It must be where her power comes from. She made me glad that my little girls were still too little to see her as a role model. It terrifies me that when they are old enough, there will be another Nicki Minaj type performer to contend with. *Mental Note: Turn the VMA's into a public service announcement.*
3. She's no longer fighting with Taylor Swift, thanks to their on-stage performance. Wait - they were fighting? Huh, must have missed that between loads of laundry and nightly story time.
4. I was excited to see Macklemore, even if he's still having trouble dressing himself. Seriously, who lets him out of the house like that? Anyway, I also like his song. I found it a nice sharp contrast to the "let me grind my sex on you while we get drunk so you'll like me" tone of Ms. Minaj. Score one for the men.
5. The dude in the black skinny jeans, though. Seriously, how small were they?
6. Miley slammed herself in her opening monologue. This only made me like her more. And her skits were hilarious. Seriously, hilarious. She's one funny gal.
7. "When did Britney Spears get hot again?!" - direct quote from my husband.
8. Jared Leto's voice is much deeper - and sexier - than I expected. Now I am questioning a lot of things about myself...
9. T. Swift likes to stand up and dance. Because she's so tall. And has a beautiful Squad as a backdrop. That's going to be her next music video, folks. Just her dancing with super models in the background. And it will win - big. Not going to lie, I'd do it too.
10. The Weeknd danced in fire and everyone was impressed. Clearly, they've never experienced the joy of watching Jimi Hendrix light his guitar on fire. Come on people.
11. Rebel Wilson tried to make fun of police brutality. And people laughed...
12. Nicki Minaj's acceptance speech. What? Why was she using different voices? And then she called out Miley and they shut her mic off. Again, she's talented and beautiful, and yet she ruins it every time she opens her mouth to talk.
13. Miley handled the call out with grace and dignity, two words you'd never think of right away when hearing Miley Cyrus. And then she made fun of herself, again. Score another two points for Miley.
14. Iggy Azaelia popped up out of the stage and rapped for a minute. She forgot the memo about not wearing any clothes. Let the pregnancy rumors start. Oh, and she's gone. Never mind.
15. Beiber came, danced, sang a few words, and cried. Oh, and wore a harness. A large harness. A large, uncomfortable, confining harness. Which is probably why he was crying.
16. Not that Miley cared. She gave him - and his tears - the big brush off. Chalk up another one for my new fav lady.
17. There was 2 minutes of serious talk about social issues. The audience probably saw this as the perfect time to refill their glasses of Cognac or whatever "cool" thing the kids drink these days.
18. Tori Kelly rocked out. Yes. Best performance of the night.
19. Ugh. Kanye. Kanye, Kanye, Kanye. I fast forwarded through this whole thing after he listened to people cheer for him for over three solid minutes. Apparently he rambled? Put in a bid for president? Not even touching this one.
20. Who the hell are 21 Pilots and ASAP Rocky? Talk about a different turn from the sound of the night. Loved it. Raw talent, something you hardly ever see on MTV anymore.
21. T. Swift won for best video and she brought the Squad on stage with her. Like I said, that will be her next music video. In fact, this is the only way we will ever see her again.
22. And then we saw Miley's tit. Two hours and twenty minutes into the show. Yes, it took that long.
23. Her performance at the end of the show, however, left much to be
desired. What was she singing? She loves pot? Or smokes peace? I'm
confused. I'm thinking there was a message in there somewhere, but I
couldn't focus my attention on anything long enough to understand.
24. Apparently the internet is upset that Miley wore fake dreads. Yes,
people are upset and offended over fake hair. Out of EVERYTHING that
happened during that show, THAT is what they are offended by.
25. People are also upset over the commercials that played during the
show. Commercials? You mean you guys didn't record this shit and skip
them? And you're supposed to be the smarter generation...
26. Oh, and people won awards. For things. Music, I think?
The 2015 MTV VMA's turned out to be the shit show we all expected. There's a reason it's the laughing stock of award shows. It was entertaining, in a side show "should I be looking at this?" kind of way. I felt fear, confusion, and happiness. Mostly fear, though.
Also, I am way too old for this shit.
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