My Take on DonutGate

I'm confused.

Okay, probably not the most earth shattering statement. I get confused about a lot of things. But Donut Gate? I'm not sure I can fully comprehend it.

Like most unnecessary and obscure "news" worthy stories, this one just wouldn't go away. I tried to ignore it. I really did. Alas, it kept popping up, especially after Ariana Grande saw the free press-a-palooza that it was becoming and issued an apology. And then a second apology. Turns out any attention really is good attention.

Anyway, here's a recap of what Donut Gate looks like to a 30 year old Midwestern housewife who uses the term "kids these days."

Before researching:
Ariana Grande licked some donuts then kissed her boyfriend before dropping the F-bomb and saying she hates America. The internet blew up. She issued a written apology, but it wasn't good enough, so she released a video apology. Just so we could actually see how truly sorry she is. {Insert eye roll here.}

You can understand why I'm confused.

During researching:
I started with watching the actual security footage from the donut shop.

(P.S - If you type in donut to Google, the search results are chock full of Ariana Grande. This would be highly annoying to someone, say, searching for that perfect donut recipe.)

Thoughts upon watching the video:

- What is she doing in a donut shop? Does she like donuts and actually eats them? Because I've seen her on Good Morning America and honestly, not sure she eats anything. If she is there for an actual donut, awesome! Eat three for me.

- Oh, she licked the donut. She simply did what all of us watching the video actually thought about doing. Why did she lick the donut? Because they're fucking delicious! Don't try lie and say you don't tongue the frosting off your donut before shoving the entire thing into your mouth. Just me? Awkward....

- Her "boyfriend" seems like a d-bag. Seriously. Watch the video again and his body language. One, he's a bad influence and two, he wouldn't even give her a proper kiss. AFTER SHE LICKED A DONUT. If a guy won't kiss you when you have donut breath, when will he kiss you?

- She dropped the F-bomb. Cool. I do that multiple times a day. In fact, I yell that exact "What the fuck is that?" multiple times a day. I just wish it was about donuts...

- "I hate Americans. I hate America." Okay. That was out of left field. Why would she say that? Is she hangry because she only got to lick the donuts and not devour them? I would be. Totally get it if that's the case. I feel like I'm missing some context here.

Okay, so I understand why this video would cause a stir. Slightly gross to go around licking random donuts. And she hates America. Yeah, I could see the problem, but it doesn't warrant 3 days of news coverage. I don't understand how people connected her anti-patriotic statements to fat-shaming, either.

The First Apology:
 - It was released the following day. Like they knew it would cause a controversy. Conspiracy theory, anyone?

- She begins by saying how proud she is to be an American and how much she loves her country.

- She goes on to talk about the food industry, child obesity and making healthy eating choices. Not completely buying this. She was in a donut shop. Which is fine. She can eat (or lick) a donut if she really wants to.

- She admits to being hangry and that her words were taken out of context.

- All around, it's a disorganized and shitty apology. No wonder it caused some more outrage. Good thing she was prepared to do a second, video apology. Yep. Free press.

The Second Apology:
I was going to try analyze this video apology in a step-by-step process, but after one entire minute in (it's 4 minutes long. Honestly, who needs 4 minutes to apologize for licking a donut?), I decided it's best to turn it into a drinking game.

Each time she says "Apologize" - take a shot
Each time she says "I feel like" - double shot
Each time she says "Actually" - finish your drink
Each time she mentions her "puffy face" - chug a beer
Each time she pauses for dramatic effect - start drinking until she starts talking again

Now that you are sufficiently shit faced, try recall why the hell you watched that video in the first place and why you even cared.

Favorite line: "That's how we grow." 

Conclusion:

WHY IS THIS A NEWS STORY? WHY DO WE CARE?

Ugh. Stop the insanity. She licked a donut. She didn't snort a line of coke off the back of a toilet. Let's keep our perspective people.

What makes this worse, and a continuing news story on my feed, is that now the police are investigating. Which is good, because I was beginning to think our society would walk away with only a single shred of decency left. It's comforting to know that we're sacrificing that, too.

I've sufficiently wasted enough of my time on this. And I'm still confused.