I was THAT mom today. You know her. You've seen her at the grocery store, at the park, in the mirror.
Her signature style is "comfortable," meaning clothes that are less than clean and possibly too big. Her hair is frizzy and sometimes contained in a pony tail. Other times she's letting the frizz flag fly because she didn't have time to restrain her hair. Her make-up routine is, to put it nicely, optional. Meaning none. No make-up. Just a generous slathering of wrinkle-fighting cream that doesn't appear to be doing a damn thing.
She's got a scowl on her face. If you thought resting bitch face was dramatic, then you've never witnessed "mom who is simply done" face. It's terrifying. Her posture is slow and hunched from the emotional and mental drain that is taking place.
You can see - and hear - her coming from the chaotic entourage that are her children buzzing about her. They can't be contained by holding hands, walking in a line or even strapped in a shopping cart. Nope. They're dodging into traffic, tripping over brightly painted curbs, exhibiting a professional deafness at the sound of the mother's voice.
You've seen her. You've judged her. You've talked about her and pitied her and promised yourself that no matter what, you'd never be her.
Well, today, that was me.
I took a shower (okay, managed a 10 minute rinse under running water while naked. Shower might be stretching it a bit). Threw on some clothes. Threw the kids in the car and went to run errands. After listening to screaming for the entire trip into town (because heaven forbid if siblings touch each other), we came to our second stop at the Verizon store. Before getting out of the car, we talked about the rules. I sat down with a very (very) (yes, very very) young man to start looking at my options. Turns out, you need a whole slew of account information, which I didn't have. Then I looked over to see my 6yr old taking apart the fish tank. I told him to stop. He did. Back to the severely young man, who I could tell was wishing he was helping a more responsible customer, but still no access. Then my 20mo old comes to me with batteries, proud as can be that she managed to find something dangerous (her number one talent) and bring it to me. Sales guy smiled but was less than impressed. Clearly, he didn't think my kids' shenanigans were cute. Probably because he doesn't have kids. Probably also because at that moment, I was THAT mom and I was the reason he doesn't ever want kids.
Unable to access my account and unable to focus because my 6yr old was again taking apart the fish tank, I decided to come back another day. Alone. With make-up on.
The 6yr old asked where we were going, the 3yr old ignored me and wouldn't take my hand, instead bolting through the door (which was being held open) and into the parking lot. The 20mo old sat and waved at everyone, her new diaper springing a leak at that moment and the front of her pants soaking wet. I grabbed her and bolted.
Bring on the judgement. Go ahead and talk. I welcome your pity and will gladly serve as a warning of a person that you never, under any circumstances, want to become.
And I did what any mother in that situation would do. I stopped the shopping trip immediately, shoved my kids in the car, went home and cried.
When I was done crying, I thought about drinking. No, not a glass of wine or a beer to calm my nerves so I could get through the day. I mean, tip that bottle upside down and don't stop until you can't see and don't feel the feels anymore drinking. I thought about dropping my kids off at home and driving way, parking on a back road somewhere and taking a nap. {Disclaimer: this might be the appropriate time to mention that my husband works from home and would be present. No matter what level of shitty my day is, I would not abandon my children. I'm crazy, not stupid, and I love the little devils.}
So what do you do after you've hit what feels like the bottom of a cesspool? Nothing. This, folks, is the ironic part. You. Do. Nothing. Because there's not a goddamn thing you can do to CHANGE it, or FIX it. Because no matter what, you're a mom. And it's just ONE DAY in your life. Maybe next time, you run a comb through your hair or swipe on some eyeliner. Maybe next time, you give the kids a timeout right there in the store or don't even bring them with (hahaha, yeah, even I'm laughing at that thought). But the point is, as with all things, great and otherwise, this too shall pass.
That doesn't make things any easier right now, but there's not a whole heck of a lot that can. After we got home, my 3yr old peed on the floor - again. They were hungry and wanted a snack, and not any of that fruit crap either but sour gummi worms or nothing (hint: they got nothing). After their mini mutiny, they gave up. Even now, as they appear to be playing nice and quiet with each other, I fully believe they are plotting their next hostile take-over.
Meanwhile, I'm just gonna sit over here and take a deep breath. I'm gonna think about what to make for supper. I'm going to relax simply because I've spent all of my emotional piggy bank today and don't have anything left. I'm going to keep going because there's simply nothing else to do.
Yes, I was that mom today. Yep, there's a chance I will be that mom again. It happens. Despite what my kids yell sometimes, they want me and need me and love me no matter what I look like or how tough my day has been. I know this because as I was sitting on the couch, my face wet with tears, my girls climbed into my lap and hugged me.
They love me anyway.
And that's the one thing about this entire day that I wouldn't change.
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