It happened the other night. The dreaded rite of passage that every woman encounters, most time far too early by one's account. I was tired and rubbing my forehead when - suddenly - GULP.
What was that? A scar? I don't remember getting an injury there. Why was there a crease in my forehead? The more I felt it (to make sure it was real) the bigger it became. Pretty soon it wasn't a crease but the goddamn Grand Canyon.
I rushed to the mirror. I couldn't see it. I ran my fingers over my forehead again. Nope, it was there. I smiled. Still nothing. Then I raised my eyebrows. There it was, along with several of it's friends.
I smiled again. There were more. Around my mouth, at the corners of my eyes; under my eyes resembled - GULP - my mother.
I looked closer. Along with the grooves of age I saw dullness, uneven tone, drooping. Had it really been that long since I looked in the mirror?
Yes. It has. I don't look in the mirror, other than for the necessities (removing unwanted hairs, mainly). I've never really sat and looked at myself in the mirror or studied my face since I was young... ah... young... ugh... younger.
Wait. I am young. Yes, I'm 30, so what. That's not old (if you're 30). And yes, I have 3 kids, but they are still babies (I mean, the oldest can feed himself and the youngest is walking, but you know what I mean). And while I may not be as young as I used to be (why does that sound so much better than younger?), I am very young compared to how old I intend on getting. I want to look back on these years as my prime, the good old days, the best times of my life.
But I am 30, and I have 3 kids, and I ache now and then. And I have grooves on my face.
I smiled again. I saw crows feet sprouting from the corners of my eyes, which are still bright and blue. Okay, so these are from smiling. I can handle that. I also saw lines around my mouth, and when I smiled really big, I saw more. Okay, they can stay. The drooping skin under my eyes has a tint of gray to it and I remembered that the other night I was up every hour with my toddler. I've earned those bags under my eyes, and if my skin wrinkles under them too it's simply from my round cheeks that plump when I smile. I raised my eyebrows and did various other facial expressions. I came to the conclusion that those grooves are caused by sass, and that is definitely something I'm not giving up.
My face isn't the only place where my skin has lost the war against gravity. My stomach is now made of folded extra skin that was stretched during my 3 pregnancies. While I'm not exactly happy with it, I look at it and still see the big bellies, and I miss them. As for my boobs - yeah, motherhood. Plus side, no more bras (because it's uncomfortable when people eyeball you for spending too much time in the little girl under garment section). This is one thing I actually enjoy for the simple fact that there's nothing for gravity to take down.
It's no lie that I don't take care of my skin. I never have. I popped my zits. I used harsh cleaners. I used the wrong type of moisturizer. I didn't even get a facial until my (very) late 20's. I don't drink enough water. I abuse my skin. Given that, it's current state isn't surprising, so I really can't be upset about it.
Truth is, 10 year old, 16 year old and 22 year old me never really cared about my appearance that much. It is what it is. When I look at myself, I see a mixture of parts. My mother's hands, that know what it means to work for what you have. My father's eyes that are blue and sparkling. My grandmother's lips that are perfect for placing kisses on the tops of babies heads.
I stepped away from the mirror, turned off the light and left the bathroom. Within minutes, my mind was consumed with potty training, playing and making spaghetti for supper. I don't worry about what I look like. I don't have time. I have much more important things to tend to.
I am 30. I have wrinkles. And they are Beautiful.
Besides, if I have this much wisdom on my face at 30, I can't imagine how Beautiful I'll be at 60, or 80, if I'm so lucky. Especially if I keep smiling.
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