It's been almost a year since I walked away from the corporate world and became a stay-at-home mom. While the change was mostly out of necessity (two kids in daycare was already tight and three would have been nearly impossible), I had a gut feeling that this transition needed to be done.
Now, I look back on my decision and the life I have and have zero regrets. This is what I was meant to do. No, I won't do it always as once the kids go to school I'll return to the work force. This looming expiration date only makes me enjoy my time that much more.
As I compare my two lives - that of the corporate world and that of the domestic universe - I see striking similarities. In many ways, my time in customer service and management prepared me for being a stay-at-home mom. I still wake up at 5am every morning. I shower, I do my hair and minimal
make-up, and I put on jeans. No, I'm not donning jewelry or
blazers and heels anymore, but I also don't allow myself to mope around
in sweatpants either. And while my "commute" is from the bedroom to the kitchen, I've gained an entire house in lieu of a cubicle. Here are other ways the corporate world as helped me in my domestic life.
Motivate
How do you get a 4 year old to clean up the living room? How about getting a 2 year old to use the potty? One of the most important things I was taught about management was that you have to learn what drives people. I've applied this logic to my children several times. Fortunately, it's easy to decipher what drives my children to do things - food. Specifically, chocolate and treats. If they finish their supper, they get dessert. If my daughter goes pee/poo in the potty, she gets a treat in the form of M&Ms. The key is that I make sure to hold these treats sacred and only give them out when something has been accomplished. They know they only get cookies for dessert and not for snack. Some may call it bribery, I call it rewarding. It's only bribery if you do it wrong.
Develop Talent
A company can't run efficiently if you have the wrong people doing the wrong jobs. Same goes for a household. For example, my son loves puzzles. He can sit for hours at the table in complete quiet doing puzzles. Naturally, I buy him puzzles and try get him ones I know will be a challenge. My daughter, on the other hand, is more of a mover and a shaker. She needs noise. For her, we get things that light up and make sound. If my son has a meltdown, we put on a movie and let him zone out. If my daughter throws a fit, we put on some music and she dances the tears away. I don't know yet where they will excel in academics or extra activities or sports, but whatever it is, I will be there to support them and challenge them to become the best they can - or want - to be.
Innovate
Ever have one of those nights where you go to make supper and all you find in the cupboards are cobwebs? Yeah, that happens on occasion around here. Enter Innovation. I can always find something to make for supper. Whether it's edible and will be eaten is up for debate, but I will always have food ready. Being innovative is a necessity for a stay-at-home parent with three small children under the age of 5. If I'm out of a key ingredient, I'm not going to pack up all the kids in the car and run to the store. I need to improvise. Luckily, I've created some of our favorite family meals this way.
Process Improvement
Things need to run smoothly in my house. I don't have time to spend 5 minutes looking for a sock when we're supposed to be heading out the door. I live by the motto "a place for everything and everything in it's place." My house is not clean or neat, but any standards, but it is organized (to a point) and works for us. For example, my youngest daughter has a ton of blankets that somehow always end up all over the house. I got tired of folding them every night, so they ended up being draped over the crib. Come bedtime, they would end up in a pile on the floor. That's not okay with me as I'm not really a "pile" kind of person. To improve this process, I took a plaque with hooks that had jewelry on it and moved it into my daughters room. Now all the blankets are hanging on the wall, not in a pile on the floor, and I don't have to fold them every day. Process improved.
Maintain/Improve Performance Standards
This is a tough one, both in the corporate world and the domestic universe. Setting clear standards and expectations are the first crucial step. In the corporate world, that's pretty simple. At home, it can get a little messy. What are appropriate expectations for a 4 year old, let alone my 4 year old? How do I know if I'm being unreasonable? If I want my son to establish a behavior as a habit, the first step is to give him something to model in myself. If I tell him not to use naughty words but them swear like a sailor, I can't reasonably punish him when the inevitable F bomb is dropped. The second part is to focus on the good and use that to improve the not-so-good. If he does an awesome job of cleaning up all the toys at the end of the day, I have to make sure to celebrate that and add how much easier it was when we didn't throw fits or complain about cleaning up. You can't have a meeting of the minds and only focus on the negative. The only result will be demoralization, which won't change any behaviors.
Have Fun
At the office, it was easy to get lost in the day-to-day activities. Emails, meetings, reports, more emails. There were days where I was so busy and flustered and overwhelmed that I was not a fun person. Unfortunately, those same pitfalls exist at home in the form of laundry, dishes and other household duties. It's easy for me to feel overwhelmed with three children to raise and a house to run. I'm not a spontaneous person, so I have to schedule in fun time. When my two youngest are sleeping, my son and I play games. I let them jump in the mud puddles. Go ahead and throw all the crayons around the living room. It can all be cleaned up later. We go to story time at the library and will spend an absurd amount of hours at parks this summer. We'll have picnics and go "camping" in the back yard. This time is limited, and they are only awake for 13 hours a day. I need to remember that the laundry can wait.
Know Your Business
At my previous job, we would have daily mini-meetings regarding the current state of the business we were in charge of. These terrified me, mainly because you couldn't BS your way through it. You had to know what you were talking about, anticipate questions and have solutions to problems. It was nerve-wracking for a perfectionist like me. Well, parenting isn't much different. When my son asks why the sky is blue, I can't just stare at him with a blank face. I either need to know the answer and be able to explain it to a 4 year old, or know how to find the answer so we can learn together. I have to know how much money we have for groceries and tailor my shopping list accordingly. I have to know when the children were last immunized and for what. I need to know how much they are eating and when they are eating and what their favorite foods are. I have to know my business, except now my business is the health, safety and happiness of my family. Makes those mini-meetings that were once the black hole in my day look like a walk in the park.
For me, there are many more perks to staying at home than going into an office. Again, however, I also know this time is limited. It was suggested that I could start a daycare. Nope. Not for me. I'm looking forward to the day I can dip my toe back into the working world simply because it will be yet another new and exciting chapter to my life. I'll never regret my decision to stay home and I'll never take for granted that I was able to raise my children for such a short time. Out of all the jobs I've had (and I've had quite a few), this has taught me the most.
For now, I'll sit and sip my coffee as I look out my corner office and take a deep sigh of gratitude.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Why I'm a Superhero
It's no secret that parents, especially stay-at-home parents, are part Superhero. But just in case you aren't convinced, here's the proof you need.
1) Strength
Many superheros have superhuman strength. Parents are no different. Ever hear of that parent that lifted a car off their child that was pinned underneath? Yeah, I'd believe that one.
This isn't a rare occurrence, however. I can proudly say that I dead lift 26 pounds (the weight of my toddler) multiple times a day. I also carry around 16 pounds (the weight of my infant) all day. In fact, my arms are the most toned part of my body and I often get compliments on them. "Do you work out? What's your secret?" To which I laugh and say "I'm a mom."
2) Bravery
Being a parent requires a lot of bravery. Ever heard the term " blow out" when referring to a dirty diaper? Yeah, it takes a certain amount of bravery to tackle that one. Bravery is also required when venturing into a quiet room where two children are playing, as you have to be mentally and physically prepared for whatever you might encounter.
3) Intelligence
This is especially important when children start developing the art of negotiation and altering of the truth. There is a special kind of intelligence needed to be smarter than a child. Ever walk into one of those moments where both kids are crying and each have a different story? Yeah, pretty sure that one isn't on the SATs. And let's not forget those "minimal assembly required" toys that actually require a PhD in Toy Assembly (which none of us went to college for).
4) Special Powers
Each superhero has their own special talent. Mine happens to be multi-tasking with one hand. Fold this laundry while holding the baby? Sure, no problem. Cook a delicious and nutritious supper with one hand? Done. In fact, I'm typing 90% of this with one hand.
5) Athletic
Kickball, sledding, hiking full laundry baskets up and down the stairs, lifting up and down, running across the room and sweeping your child into your arms even though you know they are okay and are more scared than anything. Yes, athleticism required.
6) Has a sidekick
Three, actually. And they are some of the cutest, smartest and most develish sidekicks that any superhero would have the pleasure of working with.
7) Has a lair or "hideout"
Mine is the bedroom. When I need a break, I sneak in there with a chocolate bar, turn on some HGTV, and chill out for 10 minutes. At the end of the day, it's my sanctuary from the world where I can take a hot shower and crawl into a nice warm bed to recharge.
8) Has a secret identity/alter ego
During the day, I am Mommy. When I get the chance, I am Tallena, a woman that likes to drink beer by bonfires or go out for drinks and dancing with her friends. There's nothing quite like the look on your child's face when you trade in the sweatpants for a dress and heels. Who is this woman? my children wonder. Someday you will hear of her and all her wonderful adventures...
9) Has a weakness
Mine is the fear that something bad will happen to my babies and I won't be able to save them. All parents feel this. Our children, the one thing were sworn to protect and love, is our greatest weakness.
10) Role Model
This one is especially important. Your kids learn from you. They repeat your words and your actions, and there is nothing more eye-opening than seeing your burst of anger repeated in mini-me fashion. We are here to teach our kids, every second of every day. Be the true superhero they deserve.
My cape is invisible, but my super powers are seen every day. I am a real live modern day superhero. I am a parent.
1) Strength
Many superheros have superhuman strength. Parents are no different. Ever hear of that parent that lifted a car off their child that was pinned underneath? Yeah, I'd believe that one.
This isn't a rare occurrence, however. I can proudly say that I dead lift 26 pounds (the weight of my toddler) multiple times a day. I also carry around 16 pounds (the weight of my infant) all day. In fact, my arms are the most toned part of my body and I often get compliments on them. "Do you work out? What's your secret?" To which I laugh and say "I'm a mom."
2) Bravery
Being a parent requires a lot of bravery. Ever heard the term " blow out" when referring to a dirty diaper? Yeah, it takes a certain amount of bravery to tackle that one. Bravery is also required when venturing into a quiet room where two children are playing, as you have to be mentally and physically prepared for whatever you might encounter.
3) Intelligence
This is especially important when children start developing the art of negotiation and altering of the truth. There is a special kind of intelligence needed to be smarter than a child. Ever walk into one of those moments where both kids are crying and each have a different story? Yeah, pretty sure that one isn't on the SATs. And let's not forget those "minimal assembly required" toys that actually require a PhD in Toy Assembly (which none of us went to college for).
4) Special Powers
Each superhero has their own special talent. Mine happens to be multi-tasking with one hand. Fold this laundry while holding the baby? Sure, no problem. Cook a delicious and nutritious supper with one hand? Done. In fact, I'm typing 90% of this with one hand.
5) Athletic
Kickball, sledding, hiking full laundry baskets up and down the stairs, lifting up and down, running across the room and sweeping your child into your arms even though you know they are okay and are more scared than anything. Yes, athleticism required.
6) Has a sidekick
Three, actually. And they are some of the cutest, smartest and most develish sidekicks that any superhero would have the pleasure of working with.
7) Has a lair or "hideout"
Mine is the bedroom. When I need a break, I sneak in there with a chocolate bar, turn on some HGTV, and chill out for 10 minutes. At the end of the day, it's my sanctuary from the world where I can take a hot shower and crawl into a nice warm bed to recharge.
8) Has a secret identity/alter ego
During the day, I am Mommy. When I get the chance, I am Tallena, a woman that likes to drink beer by bonfires or go out for drinks and dancing with her friends. There's nothing quite like the look on your child's face when you trade in the sweatpants for a dress and heels. Who is this woman? my children wonder. Someday you will hear of her and all her wonderful adventures...
9) Has a weakness
Mine is the fear that something bad will happen to my babies and I won't be able to save them. All parents feel this. Our children, the one thing were sworn to protect and love, is our greatest weakness.
10) Role Model
This one is especially important. Your kids learn from you. They repeat your words and your actions, and there is nothing more eye-opening than seeing your burst of anger repeated in mini-me fashion. We are here to teach our kids, every second of every day. Be the true superhero they deserve.
My cape is invisible, but my super powers are seen every day. I am a real live modern day superhero. I am a parent.
Monday, February 24, 2014
The Potty Training Diaries: Part 1
I was terrified.
My daughter, a mere 20 months old, took off her diaper, walked to the bathroom and pointed at the toilet.
I began having flashbacks to when my son started potty training. Here's the deal: it took us about 2 years to potty train our son. It was my fault, in all truth. I did everything wrong and by the time I realized it, it was too late. He's my first child and I had little patience and high expectations. Luckily, my patience has gotten much greater and my expectations much more realistic now that we're on #3. Plus, I was pregnant, which for me was like having raging PMS for 10 months (no lie, ask my husband, mother, best friends, the guy at the gas station, etc).
Anyway, when my daughter instigated that she was ready to use the potty instead of diapers, I did a happy dance. That happy dance slowly turned into me curled up in the fetal position crying in the corner. What if I made all the same mistakes all over again? I didn't want to do that to her, but could it be stopped?
So far, yes. And here's how.
Step 1: Research and Prepare
Research potty training? Seriously? Don't you just show them what to do and that's it? No, and this was one of my cardinal mistakes with my son. I read articles upon articles on what to do and what not to do. I reached out to every parent I knew for tips and advice. I learned about different techniques. Then I bought things. Books, movies, a potty chair, underwear, pull-ups. I also bought carpet cleaner and treats for when she was successful. This is important - you need a reward system. For my kids, M&Ms work great because they are small. Also, my kids love food and I am not ashamed to bribe them with it. Other fun rewards can be stickers, small toys, cuddle time with mommy, anything that your child wants and will see as something special. My husband had to take away the credit card.
Before I could start, however, I had to prepare my daughter. I showed her what the potty was. I let her watch me and her brother go potty (which was already happening, but now came with narration). We read the books, watched the movies and talked about diapers. I showed her the new pretty underwear we bought for her. I explained that her sister is a baby and needs diapers, but her brother is big and goes in the potty. I got her really excited to use the potty and in the process, replaced my own fears with excitement as well.
Step 2: Make It Easy
A friend of mine told me she put the potty right in the living room and sat with her son all day. He sat on the potty and watched movies while she sat with him and fed him juice. I tried it. It worked. I was shocked. Why hadn't I thought of that with my first one?
At first, she didn't want to sit on the potty. The first day, I sat with her for an hour before she went pee. It was very fun for the first 15 minutes. Then she got antsy and didn't want to sit anymore. We read books, sang songs and played with toys. I even did a few puppet shows for her. Anything to keep her preoccupied. When she did go potty, she didn't even realize she was going at first until it made a sound. We did this for a weekend and by the end, she had the hang of using her potty and didn't need to sit on it all the time.
Note: This required constant attention from both her and me. To accomplish this, my oldest got to spend the weekend at grandma's. That was the real key to the success. There was no way she was going to sit on the potty for hours if her brother was running around playing. Also, I sat with her when the baby was sleeping, to ensure there were very few distractions.
Here comes a very important part. Going to the bathroom is scary for kids because it is a whole new experience for them. Once she used the potty, I made a huge deal of it. I clapped my hands and said Hooray! I gave her a hug and kiss and told her I love her and that she was a very good big girl. I gave her a treat. I hugged her and kissed her some more and reinforced that going pee in the potty was a very good thing. This will help take away that fear and let them know it's okay. We still celebrate like this.
Step 3: Be Patient
My daughter had used the potty. Success! But it was too soon to start shouting it from the rooftops that I had potty trained my daughter. I soon found that if she was wearing a diaper, she'd pee/poop in it. Same if she was wearing a pull-up or underwear. Solution: let her run around naked. She peed on the floor. She stood right there in the living room and watched pee run down her tiny little legs, then looked at me with tears and fear in her eyes. She knew she'd done wrong.
With my first, I would have gotten mad. With her, I quickly grabbed a towel and wiped her up, telling her in a calm voice that it was okay and that next time we will sit on the potty. Next time, she sat on the potty. The time after that, she went on the floor. Within a week, she was peeing/pooping in the potty consistently.
I did lose my patience a few times, not going to lie. However, every time I wanted to yell at her, I thought of my son. Things were going so great with my daughter, I didn't want to ruin it now. I did tell her, as I was cleaning up her pee from the carpet, that going on the floor was naughty but that going on the potty was good. Then, instead of focusing on the naughty mess on the floor, I reminded her how fun it was to go on the potty and be clean and dry and get treats. By talking about it like this, I was focusing on the good and making myself calm down too.
Step 4: One Step at a Time
My daughter has now been using the potty for about a month. However, she can't run around naked all her life. So we started all over again, but this time with underwear on.
After breakfast, we get dressed. Up until now, my daughter only wore a shirt. Then one day, we put on underwear (only - no pants yet). To my daughter, it felt like a diaper, so it was like starting all over again. Before long, she came running to me crying with wet underwear. Calmly, we changed her underwear and went back to the living room. I stopped what I was doing and sat in the living room with her. When she had to go again, she stopped and touched her underwear. I brought her to the potty and helped take them off. She sat and went potty, then we put the underwear back on before emptying the potty and getting treats. I spent the rest of the day watching her and gently reminded her that if she needed to go potty, she had to take off her underwear and use the potty. After a few days, she had it.
Children will give off cues when they have to pee/poop. By paying attention, you will learn these cues and stop accidents before they happen. For example, when my daughter needed to poop, she would try put on a diaper or pull-up. I learned what this meant and that was how we started going poop on the potty as well (another scary adventure for kids).
That is how far we are now. In a few weeks, when she's mastered underwear, we'll add pants and start over. Once we've mastered that, we'll move the potty into the bathroom and start over again. When she's used to using the potty in the bathroom and is a little bigger, we'll move onto the big potty and start over again. Will it take a lot of time? Yes, but it should. Think of the last time you learned something. Were you an expert in a weekend? It's the same thing with going to the potty. You will start over many times, but it will get easier. Celebrate the successes and learn from the messes. Children are smart and you can explain things to them and show them and they will learn. Repetition, consistency and rewards are all part of it.
On a funny note, my son taught my daughter to "shake" like he does. She's pretty good at it, too.
My daughter, a mere 20 months old, took off her diaper, walked to the bathroom and pointed at the toilet.
I began having flashbacks to when my son started potty training. Here's the deal: it took us about 2 years to potty train our son. It was my fault, in all truth. I did everything wrong and by the time I realized it, it was too late. He's my first child and I had little patience and high expectations. Luckily, my patience has gotten much greater and my expectations much more realistic now that we're on #3. Plus, I was pregnant, which for me was like having raging PMS for 10 months (no lie, ask my husband, mother, best friends, the guy at the gas station, etc).
Anyway, when my daughter instigated that she was ready to use the potty instead of diapers, I did a happy dance. That happy dance slowly turned into me curled up in the fetal position crying in the corner. What if I made all the same mistakes all over again? I didn't want to do that to her, but could it be stopped?
So far, yes. And here's how.
Step 1: Research and Prepare
Research potty training? Seriously? Don't you just show them what to do and that's it? No, and this was one of my cardinal mistakes with my son. I read articles upon articles on what to do and what not to do. I reached out to every parent I knew for tips and advice. I learned about different techniques. Then I bought things. Books, movies, a potty chair, underwear, pull-ups. I also bought carpet cleaner and treats for when she was successful. This is important - you need a reward system. For my kids, M&Ms work great because they are small. Also, my kids love food and I am not ashamed to bribe them with it. Other fun rewards can be stickers, small toys, cuddle time with mommy, anything that your child wants and will see as something special. My husband had to take away the credit card.
Before I could start, however, I had to prepare my daughter. I showed her what the potty was. I let her watch me and her brother go potty (which was already happening, but now came with narration). We read the books, watched the movies and talked about diapers. I showed her the new pretty underwear we bought for her. I explained that her sister is a baby and needs diapers, but her brother is big and goes in the potty. I got her really excited to use the potty and in the process, replaced my own fears with excitement as well.
Step 2: Make It Easy
A friend of mine told me she put the potty right in the living room and sat with her son all day. He sat on the potty and watched movies while she sat with him and fed him juice. I tried it. It worked. I was shocked. Why hadn't I thought of that with my first one?
At first, she didn't want to sit on the potty. The first day, I sat with her for an hour before she went pee. It was very fun for the first 15 minutes. Then she got antsy and didn't want to sit anymore. We read books, sang songs and played with toys. I even did a few puppet shows for her. Anything to keep her preoccupied. When she did go potty, she didn't even realize she was going at first until it made a sound. We did this for a weekend and by the end, she had the hang of using her potty and didn't need to sit on it all the time.
Note: This required constant attention from both her and me. To accomplish this, my oldest got to spend the weekend at grandma's. That was the real key to the success. There was no way she was going to sit on the potty for hours if her brother was running around playing. Also, I sat with her when the baby was sleeping, to ensure there were very few distractions.
Here comes a very important part. Going to the bathroom is scary for kids because it is a whole new experience for them. Once she used the potty, I made a huge deal of it. I clapped my hands and said Hooray! I gave her a hug and kiss and told her I love her and that she was a very good big girl. I gave her a treat. I hugged her and kissed her some more and reinforced that going pee in the potty was a very good thing. This will help take away that fear and let them know it's okay. We still celebrate like this.
Step 3: Be Patient
My daughter had used the potty. Success! But it was too soon to start shouting it from the rooftops that I had potty trained my daughter. I soon found that if she was wearing a diaper, she'd pee/poop in it. Same if she was wearing a pull-up or underwear. Solution: let her run around naked. She peed on the floor. She stood right there in the living room and watched pee run down her tiny little legs, then looked at me with tears and fear in her eyes. She knew she'd done wrong.
With my first, I would have gotten mad. With her, I quickly grabbed a towel and wiped her up, telling her in a calm voice that it was okay and that next time we will sit on the potty. Next time, she sat on the potty. The time after that, she went on the floor. Within a week, she was peeing/pooping in the potty consistently.
I did lose my patience a few times, not going to lie. However, every time I wanted to yell at her, I thought of my son. Things were going so great with my daughter, I didn't want to ruin it now. I did tell her, as I was cleaning up her pee from the carpet, that going on the floor was naughty but that going on the potty was good. Then, instead of focusing on the naughty mess on the floor, I reminded her how fun it was to go on the potty and be clean and dry and get treats. By talking about it like this, I was focusing on the good and making myself calm down too.
Step 4: One Step at a Time
My daughter has now been using the potty for about a month. However, she can't run around naked all her life. So we started all over again, but this time with underwear on.
After breakfast, we get dressed. Up until now, my daughter only wore a shirt. Then one day, we put on underwear (only - no pants yet). To my daughter, it felt like a diaper, so it was like starting all over again. Before long, she came running to me crying with wet underwear. Calmly, we changed her underwear and went back to the living room. I stopped what I was doing and sat in the living room with her. When she had to go again, she stopped and touched her underwear. I brought her to the potty and helped take them off. She sat and went potty, then we put the underwear back on before emptying the potty and getting treats. I spent the rest of the day watching her and gently reminded her that if she needed to go potty, she had to take off her underwear and use the potty. After a few days, she had it.
Children will give off cues when they have to pee/poop. By paying attention, you will learn these cues and stop accidents before they happen. For example, when my daughter needed to poop, she would try put on a diaper or pull-up. I learned what this meant and that was how we started going poop on the potty as well (another scary adventure for kids).
That is how far we are now. In a few weeks, when she's mastered underwear, we'll add pants and start over. Once we've mastered that, we'll move the potty into the bathroom and start over again. When she's used to using the potty in the bathroom and is a little bigger, we'll move onto the big potty and start over again. Will it take a lot of time? Yes, but it should. Think of the last time you learned something. Were you an expert in a weekend? It's the same thing with going to the potty. You will start over many times, but it will get easier. Celebrate the successes and learn from the messes. Children are smart and you can explain things to them and show them and they will learn. Repetition, consistency and rewards are all part of it.
On a funny note, my son taught my daughter to "shake" like he does. She's pretty good at it, too.
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